in the end.

Confusion and disbelief began to fully control my every thought and movement.All I could think of was how my day began and how it was ending in a way that would disturb me emotionally everytime it came to mind.I woke up just like I did any normal day.Although it was early winter,the weather was very nice. It was warm to the point where I remember wearing no coat at all.I prepared for another day of eighth grade not knowing what I should really be preparing for.My day ran smoothly up until the time I was called to the office for an early dismissal.When I got down there I saw my younger brother and sister.We were picked up by my dad who rarely ever picked us up because of his busy work hours or the fact that he lived in New Jersey at the time.I was extremely worried because his face and something deep down was telling me something was wrong.The whole ride home I continued asking questions and naming names to ask if everyone was okay.He sat there in silence which made me more terrified and angry.When we finally reached my door I walked in to find that everyone in my household was still there.That took about 50% of my stress away but the anxiety and suspense was still killing me.Everyone looked as if they had been crying previous to our arrival,but trying to wipe away their tears and seem strong for the sake of the children.There was a feeling of sadness and remorse taking over my living room.The volume was high but in my mind it was silent.I heard alot of different conversations but the thing that caught my attention immediatley was the sound of my aunt's voice yelling how she did not mean to do it and she loved him more than anything.I knew my aunt and she only referred to two people if she said "him" which meant something happened to her son or her husband.I saw my uncle standing across the room as I looked to my left so at that moment I knew it was my cousin.I could not even cry immediatley.It was as if my cousin was standing right beside me because he would always say "be tough and don't cry". The pain that took over me was unreal.Yes; I know how it feels to have someone close to me die but I forgot what it felt like. Honestly I don't remember what occured within the next fifteen or twenty minutes. I feel like I lost my concious or I blacked out.After that occured, I found myself in the room that I shared with no one crying.I did not understand. My cousin was still in high school with a promising future.He loved boxing and trained hard everyday.Everyone sat in the living room which was just the happiest place in the house the day before.Everyone was consoling my aunt telling her that what had happened was not her fault.But it was.She was in a rush and she had groceries in the back seat.She told my cousin to sit in the front seat which had no seatbelts because she had no time to move the bags to the trunk.My aunt just picked my cousin up from the gym where he practiced,and wherever she was going she was determined to be there in less than twenty minutes.She told us that he told her to slow down but she assured him to relax.That statement added on to my anger but nothing like her next.Out of nowhere her small jeep collided with a large truck causing the car to flip upside-down and removed the back doors.She woke up to find her only child dead. I spent so much time blaming her that I did not say a word to her for about three months.I couldn't bare to look at her. It seemed as if she was trying to forget when it was the only thing on my mind.Never once did I take the time to think of the toll this was taking on her.Just imagine the guilt of going to sleep at night feeling like you were responsible for the death of your own child.She is a strong woman; most of us would have cracked under the intense load of pressure.It took me so long to come to think of that because of the way I felt.I couldn't help but wonder why she wouldn't move the bags or just slow down.Although it took me awhile, I had to take her feelings into consideration.It's just that I loved my cousin so much.He looked out for me and he was definintley destined for nothing but greatness.It was sad the way his life came to an abrupt closing but I know he wouldn't want us holding grudges or being mad because we are family.If he wouldn't balme his own mother then why should I ? It took something as dramatic as the loss of a life to make me realize how much I loved him and how I needed to stand by my aunt in this time of need.I will never understand why he didn't get to live his life but you cannot dwell on the past.live proceed and progress and everything makes sense in the end.