The ground was wet and the air was hot.My dog wass painting as I told him to go to the bathroom. I stood ther waiting and sudenly I screamed,"No Gus-gus No!"
As he stood in the bushes peeing a man walked up and bumped into me. He said exsuce me and kept on moving. I guess he didn't see my almost 200 lb. dog in the wild bushes because he turned around, walked back, and tried to get my phone number. Before we both knew it, Gus-gus ran around the bush, the leash wrapped around my anckles and the big football playing manwas running and sreaming like a little girl. I had never let the leash goso I was right there behind him sliding on the ground. If I would have let the leash go Gus-gus wolud not be alive today. I screamed and yelled for my dog to stop, but he didn't . He kept on running and I was still sliding down the dirty sidewalk. After he relized he was carring deadweight, he stoped and turned around. He walked to the my end of the leash and licked my face and he pushed my head with his. I was furious.
After I had gotten up off the grund, I pulled his leash and dragged him in the house.
"Get in the house!",I screamed.
"What's the problem?" My uncle asked.
Gus dragged me down the street chasing after some man!" I screamed.
"HA HA HA HA HA!" He laughed.
"UHHHHHH!" I screamed," Get on the pourch."
"Okay Raveen, tell me what happened." He said.
My dog cried as I kicked him out the house.
I told my uncle," I was told yo walk the dog and let him pee."
"Yes." he said.
" But that is not happened." I answered.
I continued to tell him my story. As I talked he laughed and laughed until he almost cried.
"Your mad because of what."he asked.
"I was dragged down the street by a dog chasing a man and because of the scar on my arm I wil never be able to get a boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"Raven hush," he said,"Now lets go clean up your arm and you cannot be mad at Gus for protecting you."
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Beep, beep, beep. My alarm clock had just gone off. It is not like I was sleep anyway. Actually, I have not been able to sleep for a long time. I knew why, but I did not want to live up to it. I was hoping that I could just be stuck in bed all day, but I knew that was not going to happen. For the past two weeks, I could not get over the recent deaths of my family. My grandfather and my little cousin had died two weeks ago, both in the same week. I was hurt-crushed. It was more so like how they died. September 19 was the date the change my life; that was the day my little cousin died. Adrian was the cutest baby I ever scene. He was light-skinned with green eyes and had the curliest hair I have ever seen. From the first day I held him, I knew him and I would just click in ways others could not. As the months kept going, he and I grew closer. However, one night is what change everything. When Adrian was about six months, he died. His mother had put him in his crib when he was sleep. As the whole house went to bed, Adrian died. He rolled over when he was sleep and suffocated. Blood was everywhere. I woke up to screams and an ambulance taking away my favorite little cousin. The next day at the hospital, they announced he was dead. Everyone past around my little cousin and said good-bye. Hugs and kisses were given to dead Adrian, and all I could do was look. They passed him to me and I could not touch him. That day I felt like I had died with him. Besides my grandfather, I was the only one that did not touch Adrian. Maybe my grandfather felt the same way I did and shared that special connection. That moment only made matters worse. Three days later my grandfather died. I felt helpless. I felt as if the whole world had gone black, and I was the only white speck. We were so close and are time together was so short. I felt as if the deaths were deja’vu. I though I was going to go next since I also did not touch Adrian when he died. I was paranoid. Everyday I saw my grandfather face. All the times he gave me dollars to get water ice and quarters for bags of chips. I was nine and I did not know where to go in the world. I was lost, and wanted my grandfather to find me. I wanted to hold my little cousin again. I wanted to die. The funeral was held three days after his death. I did not attend. I couldn’t. I felt as if I should be lying in the coffin with him. I stayed home and cried all day. I kept seeing my life flash before my eyes. Please do not tell me it was deja’vu. In addition, that’s were I found myself that night. Lying in the dark, looking at the alarm clock blink 6:30 in bright red. I figured it was time to move on with my life. It was time I got myself together. As the years went by, I learned to live without my grandfather. I miss them dearly, but I remember all the memories. I moved forward with my life, but I keep them both close. I’m glad I did not experience deja’vu. Both Adrian and my grandfather left a message when they died. Adrian message was live life to the fullest. Don’t take it for granted, cause it might just take you. My grandfather message was do something positive with your life. Be wise about your choices. I take both of these messages to my heart everyday. There gone but I’m still here-that’s counts for something.
The Day Adiva lost her pride
How did this happen? I asked myself.As I was on the floor of the family dollar.Are you okay my aunt asked quickly. But I could not answer her the only thing I could do was look and try to evaulte the situation. My dad ran to my side " are you okay" he asked. I have must had hit my head because it was hurting so bad. All I could see was the boxes of coco cripes next to me and peoples feet next to mine. My sister made an attempt to help me up but my aunt would not let her. Being the con she was telling me even if I was not hurt to stay on the floor. She wispered fantasies of us sueing the store to get alot of money to me but I had gotten up anyway.I did not want to stay on the floor and be humilated.As I got up people started to clap.That is when you know are truley pittied when people give you an applause for doing an everyday task like getting up. I was a special kid in a class full of the most intellgent people in the world. I hate to show any t ype of emotion in public let alone fall. It was one of the most embrassing things that could happen to a young teen. First of all to be seen in a dollar store and to be with your family( if that is not the wrost thing). But this is how I lost I pride. It was a pleasently sunny day. I was wearing my new light blue jeans and a pretty somewhat low cut red shirt. I was pretty confident that day, I thought I looked hot and my family was comming to visit me. I was not really happy to see them.I don't really like my little cousins. They would always get on me about my weight but I was older now and more mature, their little comments didn't get to me come on I'm 14 years old I'm basicly grown. They are like ten years old they are babies compared to me. When my family finally arrived there was no words they looked at me like I was a allien. My aunt was speech less. "you sure have grown up Adiva " my aunt mentioned. "thanks" I said. She could not stop looking at my shirt and telling my father to watch me closely and to have "the talk" with me. " Paul boys now-a-days will do anything or say anything to get it" she stated. I laughed in my mind knowing that my father has no boys to worry about but girls that is a different story. Anyway in the mist of talking my aunt came up with a brillant idea to go to the dollar store to get some items for her pupies some little toys nothing big, just somthing to keep them busy( yes she brought her pupies). So we all piled up in the car dogs and all. And headed to the dollar store. When we got there we all splited up to find something for the pups. I being the angry rebelous teen I am , decided not to do anything but look around the store and text my friends well my girlfriend. My family was finished finding what they were looking for, my aunt my dad and I went to the check out line. My cousins,
being the little mencies , opened a bottle of cream soda and spilled. Me not paying attention and texting, sliped on the spilled soda. Everything in that moment slowed down it happened just like in the movies. I could see peoples mouths opening up and looking with sear fear. I could see a little white woman saying oh snapes. BAM a big sound of thunder came down with her words. My body came down with all the force and gravity in the world. All the fat in my body jiggled for at least two whole mintues.My poor clothes were wet and sticky from the cream soda and Icried inside. I wanted to die.I was no longer a strong angry teen I have been reduced to a child looking for help. From that day I never went into another dollar store in that area ever again.
being the little mencies , opened a bottle of cream soda and spilled. Me not paying attention and texting, sliped on the spilled soda. Everything in that moment slowed down it happened just like in the movies. I could see peoples mouths opening up and looking with sear fear. I could see a little white woman saying oh snapes. BAM a big sound of thunder came down with her words. My body came down with all the force and gravity in the world. All the fat in my body jiggled for at least two whole mintues.My poor clothes were wet and sticky from the cream soda and Icried inside. I wanted to die.I was no longer a strong angry teen I have been reduced to a child looking for help. From that day I never went into another dollar store in that area ever again.
Quote of the Day for Thursday, 2/28
Only describe what is important to the story.
"You don't need to describe the kitchen, only where the carving knife is." --Bryce Courtney
Classwork/Homework
- See yesterday's post for the peer review questions you need to respond to. Once your partner has posted his/her comments about your narrative, then you should begin making revisions.
- Final draft is due next Tuesday, March 4th. Post your final draft to the blog and include your parnter's comments at the bottom of your draft.
Quote of the Day for Wednesday, 2/27
"Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude." --Henry Miller
Peer Review Questions for Personal Narrative #2 Copy and paste the following questions and your responses into the comments section at the end of your partner's story.
Peer Review Questions for Personal Narrative #2 Copy and paste the following questions and your responses into the comments section at the end of your partner's story.
- Explain how the writer uses the first sentence or two to grab the reader’s attention. If the opening doesn’t grab your attention, give the writer a suggestion on how to do so.
- What is your favorite line from the story? Why?
- Quote the section that contains the most vivid sensory details.
- What section could be improved through more detailed description including sensory details?
- Does the ending wrap up the story?
- What is clever and/or lively about the ending?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
When I was robbed
A gun was pointing at my head just thinking what should I do. In the summer I worked at my dad store. It was a mini market. Every Friday my dad and my mom goes to the moesque at 12:00 and comes back at 3:00 or sometimes come back at 5:00, thats if they go by stuff for the Store. My cousin and I were in the Store we were talking and we were going outside and talking to some girls. So we came back in the store and a man comes in and he looks familiar because he comes in often, and my brother in law comes in to and I asked the man what do he need he says change for a 100.00 bill and I said no but we did had it. He lefted because my brother in law was there so my brother in law and I was talking so I walked him to his car and I came back in. My cousin had bought some chinese food and we were eating and the man comes back in and says that I am going to rob you and I was like no your not and then I went into the cashier part and locked the door. So he took out the gun and pointed it at me but I was thinking the money or my life so I chose the money I gave him all the money and he ran off we called the cops and when the cops came They were asking me questions but I was so petrified to talk so my cousins and my aounts talked for me. My dad and mom came and saw cops around here so they asked what happened they explain it to them and my dad was ready to fight. But my mom calmed him down. So they couldnt find him but I was like its cool so two days later I see him and he acted liked nothing happened. So I just lefted it alone. Oneday I see him getting arrested for robbery and a possession of a gun and that day I was happy didnt know what to say but thats what he get.
Hey join the new blog
This is devante i just mad my own blog so people from this class only can join and we can talk about watever
deja va-first draft
Beep, beep, beep. My alarm clock had just gone off. It is not like I was sleep anyway. Actually, I have not been able to sleep for a long time. I knew why, but I did not want to live up to it. I was hoping that I could just be stuck in bed all day, but I knew that was not going to happen. For the past two weeks, I could not get over the recent deaths of my family. My grandfather and my little cousin had died two weeks ago, both in the same week. I was hurt-crushed. It was more so like how they died. September 19 was the date the change my life; that was the day my little cousin died. Adrian was the cutest baby I ever scene. He was light-skinned with green eyes and had the curliest hair I have ever seen. From the first day I held him, I knew him and I would just click in ways others could not. As the months kept going, he and I grew closer. However, one night is what change everything. When Adrian was about six months, he died. His mother had put him in his crib when he was sleep. As the whole house went to bed, Adrian died. He rolled over when he was sleep and suffocated. Blood was everywhere. I woke up to screams and an ambulance taking away my favorite little cousin. The next day at the hospital, they announced he was dead. Everyone past around my little cousin and said good-bye. Hugs and kisses were given to dead Adrian, and all I could do was look. They passed him to me and I could not touch him. That day I felt like I had died with him. Besides my grandfather, I was the only one that did not touch Adrian. Maybe my grandfather felt the same way I did and shared that special connection. That moment only made matters worse. Three days later my grandfather died. I felt helpless. I felt as if the whole world had gone black, and I was the only white speck. We were so close and are time together was so short. I felt as if the deaths were deja’vu. I though I was going to go next since I also did not touch Adrian when he died. I was paranoid. Everyday I saw my grandfather face. All the times he gave me dollars to get water ice and quarters for bags of chips. I was nine and I did not know where to go in the world. I was lost, and wanted my grandfather to find me. I wanted to hold my little cousin again. I wanted to die. The funeral was held three days after his death. I did not attend. I couldn’t. I felt as if I should be lying in the coffin with him. I stayed home and cried all day. I kept seeing my life flash before my eyes. Please do not tell me it was deja’vu. In addition, that’s were I found myself that night. Lying in the dark, looking at the alarm clock blink 6:30 in bright red. I figured it was time to move on with my life. It was time I got myself together. As the years went by, I learned to live without my grandfather. I miss them dearly, but I remember all the memories. I moved forward with my life, but I keep them both close. I’m glad I did not experience deja’vu. Both Adrian and my grandfather left a message when they died. Adrian message was live life to the fullest. Don’t take it for granted, cause it might just take you. My grandfather message was do something positive with your life. Be wise about your choices. I take both of these messages to my heart everyday. There gone but I’m still here-that’s counts for something.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The Encounter
Boom! Boom! Shots flared left and right. The sparks from the 9 millimeter hand guns flashed in the night sky. I ran as fast as I could to avoid being hit by the random gun fire. Finally I find shelter in a nearby ditch. Bang! Bang! The gunshots got louder. The adrenaline rushed through my veins at the speed of light. I could hear cop sirens in the distance and feeling of safety dawned on me. The cops were coming but not fast enough. I heard the approaching footsteps halt. At this point I thought I was done for, but I later heard the mysterious stranger flee. The cops had turned the corner and saved my life in the process.
[draft] in the end.
Confusion and disbelief began to fully control my every thought and movement.All I could think of was how my day began and how it was ending in a way that would disturb me emotionally everytime it came to mind.
I woke up just like I did any normal day.Although it was early winter,the weather was very nice. It was warm to the point where I remember wearing no coat at all.I prepared for another day of eighth grade not knowing what I should really be preparing for.My day ran smoothly up until the time I was called to the office for an early dismissal.When I got down there I saw my younger brother and sister.We were picked up by my dad who rarely ever picked us up because of his busy work hours or the fact that he lived in New Jersey at the time.I was extremely worried because his face and something deep down was telling me something was wrong.The whole ride home I continued asking questions and naming names to ask if everyone was okay.He sat there in silence which made me more terrified and angry.When we finally reached my door I walked in to find that everyone in my household was still there.That took about 50% of my stress away but the anxiety and suspense was still killing me.Everyone looked as if they had been crying previous to our arrival,but trying to wipe away their tears and seem strong for the sake of the children.I heard alot of different conversations but the thing that caught my attention immediatley was the sound of my aunt's voice yelling how she did not mean to do it and she loved him more than anything.I knew my aunt and she only referred to two people if she said "him" which meant something happened to her son or her husband.I saw my uncle standing across the room as I looked to my left so at that moment I knew it was my cousin.I could not even cry immediatley.
It was as if my cousin was standing right beside me because he would always say "be tough and don't cry". The pain that took over me was unreal.Yes; I know how it feels to have someone close to me die but I forgot what it felt like. Honestly I don't remember what occured within the next fifteen or twenty minutes. I feel like I lost my concious or I blacked out.After that occured, I found myself in the room that I shared with no one crying.I did not understand. My cousin was still in high school with a promising future.He loved boxing and trained hard everyday.Everyone sat in the living room which was just the happiest place in the house the day before.Everyone was consoling my aunt telling her that what had happened was not her fault.But it was.She was in a rush and she had groceries in the back seat.She told my cousin to sit in the front seat which had no seatbelts because she had no time to move the bags to the trunk.My aunt just picked my cousin up from the gym where he practiced,and wherever she was going she was determined to be there in less than twenty minutes.She told us that he told her to slow down but she assured him to relax.That statement added on to my anger but nothing like her next.Out of nowhere her small jeep collided with a large truck causing the car to flip upside-down and removed the back doors.She woke up to find her only child dead. I spent so much time blaming her that I did not say a word to her for about three months.I couldn't bare to look at her. It seemed as if she was trying to forget when it was the only thing on my mind.Never once did I take the time to think of the toll this was taking on her.Just imagine the guilt of going to sleep at night feeling like you were responsible for the death of your own child.She is a strong woman; most of us would have cracked under the intense load of pressure.
It took me so long to come to think of that because of the way I felt.I couldn't help but wonder why she wouldn't move the bags or just slow down.Although it took me awhile, I had to take her feelings into consideration.It's just that I loved my cousin so much.He looked out for me and he was definintley destined for nothing but greatness.It was sad the way his life came to an abrupt closing but I know he wouldn't want us holding grudges or being mad because we are family.If he wouldn't balme his own mother then why should I ? It took something as dramatic as the loss of a life to make me realize how much I loved him and how I needed to stand by my aunt in this time of need.I will never understand why he didn't get to live his life but everything makes sense in the end.
I woke up just like I did any normal day.Although it was early winter,the weather was very nice. It was warm to the point where I remember wearing no coat at all.I prepared for another day of eighth grade not knowing what I should really be preparing for.My day ran smoothly up until the time I was called to the office for an early dismissal.When I got down there I saw my younger brother and sister.We were picked up by my dad who rarely ever picked us up because of his busy work hours or the fact that he lived in New Jersey at the time.I was extremely worried because his face and something deep down was telling me something was wrong.The whole ride home I continued asking questions and naming names to ask if everyone was okay.He sat there in silence which made me more terrified and angry.When we finally reached my door I walked in to find that everyone in my household was still there.That took about 50% of my stress away but the anxiety and suspense was still killing me.Everyone looked as if they had been crying previous to our arrival,but trying to wipe away their tears and seem strong for the sake of the children.I heard alot of different conversations but the thing that caught my attention immediatley was the sound of my aunt's voice yelling how she did not mean to do it and she loved him more than anything.I knew my aunt and she only referred to two people if she said "him" which meant something happened to her son or her husband.I saw my uncle standing across the room as I looked to my left so at that moment I knew it was my cousin.I could not even cry immediatley.
It was as if my cousin was standing right beside me because he would always say "be tough and don't cry". The pain that took over me was unreal.Yes; I know how it feels to have someone close to me die but I forgot what it felt like. Honestly I don't remember what occured within the next fifteen or twenty minutes. I feel like I lost my concious or I blacked out.After that occured, I found myself in the room that I shared with no one crying.I did not understand. My cousin was still in high school with a promising future.He loved boxing and trained hard everyday.Everyone sat in the living room which was just the happiest place in the house the day before.Everyone was consoling my aunt telling her that what had happened was not her fault.But it was.She was in a rush and she had groceries in the back seat.She told my cousin to sit in the front seat which had no seatbelts because she had no time to move the bags to the trunk.My aunt just picked my cousin up from the gym where he practiced,and wherever she was going she was determined to be there in less than twenty minutes.She told us that he told her to slow down but she assured him to relax.That statement added on to my anger but nothing like her next.Out of nowhere her small jeep collided with a large truck causing the car to flip upside-down and removed the back doors.She woke up to find her only child dead. I spent so much time blaming her that I did not say a word to her for about three months.I couldn't bare to look at her. It seemed as if she was trying to forget when it was the only thing on my mind.Never once did I take the time to think of the toll this was taking on her.Just imagine the guilt of going to sleep at night feeling like you were responsible for the death of your own child.She is a strong woman; most of us would have cracked under the intense load of pressure.
It took me so long to come to think of that because of the way I felt.I couldn't help but wonder why she wouldn't move the bags or just slow down.Although it took me awhile, I had to take her feelings into consideration.It's just that I loved my cousin so much.He looked out for me and he was definintley destined for nothing but greatness.It was sad the way his life came to an abrupt closing but I know he wouldn't want us holding grudges or being mad because we are family.If he wouldn't balme his own mother then why should I ? It took something as dramatic as the loss of a life to make me realize how much I loved him and how I needed to stand by my aunt in this time of need.I will never understand why he didn't get to live his life but everything makes sense in the end.
a new beginning
All i could remember was a big crowd of people standing over me asking me if i was ok. This day started as an old regular day i went to the 400 stop with my friend nick and caseem. We went to mcdonalds you S.O.S. So first period as usual goes by very slow. Then second period and third. I then went to my 4th p. class and as usual i had to play with the teacher and be all loud and give Mr. clayton a hand shake. This period also went the slowest cause it was right before gym. To try and make it goes faster i listened to my head phones. My friend quianna wanted to listen so i let her hold them for the day until my last p. class. Ok bang i have then lunch everything is going how it should nothing exciting yet. I always hated 7th p. cause my teachr was allowed to have a dog in her room so it smelled like dog shampoo and poop. Then thier was 8th p. I didnt like this teacher at all she always marked me absent when i was pressent. She didnt teach us at all like wat is math enrichment how is that a grade. But always at 2:50 me and my friend nick would leave her class room and go outside. So me and nick wee outside waitin and waitin and waitin then heres comes every one. Now before i leave i have to wait for this dummb 400 to come. While im waitin i see a rowd of boys walkin down the street and as they come in front of the school they are lookin for someone. Now i didnt know wat was goin on. Next thing i know a fist comes crashing toward my face and began to fight. in my mind i as lik why me. So next thing i remember is me taking off all my jackets and ma bags then i began to knuckle. I had blacked out and i remembered fighting them in the streets. I had blacked out again and i was across the streets fightin them. I thought if i went back across the street my frineds would help me but i was wrong. I was wrestled to the ground by one of the boys and as i tried to get back up they kicked me to the ground. They did this for atleast five minutes. Then i was rushed back inside the school and the laid me on the ground and every one was askin me all of these question. was i ok, did i kno them stuff like that. After the fight i was so mad i wanted go back out there and fight some more but they wouldnt let me. 2 weeks later they had found two of the guys who did it and the school board told me that i can get transfered to any school in the city and thats how i got in to parkway center city.
Devante Gray
2-26-08
6th p. Creative writing
Devante Gray
2-26-08
6th p. Creative writing
The Time I was robbed and didn't know It
Donte Polite
Leo Mullen
6th P.D.
2/26/08
Earlier in the day:
As I stand here in a trance of amazement mainly shock and frustration I constantly wonder. I wonder many things first who would do this, what kind sick and greedy person could be capable of such a crime?
Current Time:
I went home and as I walk into the house I look at the cable and I notice that it’s only 3:45. My brother is already home. I go and look at my bed and notice something very, very strange. My jar of money is laid out on my bed and has been emptied completely except for a few cents. Of course I know that I didn’t leave it like this. So I go back downstairs and tell my mom right after I’m done asking my brother if he “saw” my money. He replies no and my mom suggests that maybe I spent the money and maybe I forgot about it. I keep telling her that I didn’t spend it and even if I did I wouldn’t have left the jar laid out like that. I keep saying to her that if I would have spent it I wouldn’t have forgotten about that much money. I automatically think that my brother did it because he was the only one in the house before us and he never has money yet today he does have money. How is this? So I just sit and get even frustrated to the point where my head hurts. I tire myself out from being mad. I wake up several hours later and get in the shower, eat dinner, then go back to sleep. While I sleep the hours keep going on and the night turns to day. As time goes on I start to wake up and I here my mom asking my brother and sister have either of them seen her new radio, they reply no. so she asks me next I also tell her no. she goes back into her room. She notices that her windows are unlocked, which is odd because she locked them and never unlocked them. Then she goes to look at her cable box to get the time and notices that her DVD player is missing. We come to the conclusion that we have been robbed. She calls the cops and they come. She fills out the police report and they leave. Later I notice that my autographed eagles jersey is missing. We figured it had to be my uncle because he was the only one who knew the ins and outs of the house. And the windows could only be unlocked from inside, since we knew it wasn’t us we figured it had to be him because he was living with us until we put him out a few weeks ago. Some evidence that lead us to believe it was him was there was a letter addressed to him that came in the mail the other day and now it was missing. So that the time I was robbed and didn’t notice it till later.
Leo Mullen
6th P.D.
2/26/08
Earlier in the day:
As I stand here in a trance of amazement mainly shock and frustration I constantly wonder. I wonder many things first who would do this, what kind sick and greedy person could be capable of such a crime?
Current Time:
I went home and as I walk into the house I look at the cable and I notice that it’s only 3:45. My brother is already home. I go and look at my bed and notice something very, very strange. My jar of money is laid out on my bed and has been emptied completely except for a few cents. Of course I know that I didn’t leave it like this. So I go back downstairs and tell my mom right after I’m done asking my brother if he “saw” my money. He replies no and my mom suggests that maybe I spent the money and maybe I forgot about it. I keep telling her that I didn’t spend it and even if I did I wouldn’t have left the jar laid out like that. I keep saying to her that if I would have spent it I wouldn’t have forgotten about that much money. I automatically think that my brother did it because he was the only one in the house before us and he never has money yet today he does have money. How is this? So I just sit and get even frustrated to the point where my head hurts. I tire myself out from being mad. I wake up several hours later and get in the shower, eat dinner, then go back to sleep. While I sleep the hours keep going on and the night turns to day. As time goes on I start to wake up and I here my mom asking my brother and sister have either of them seen her new radio, they reply no. so she asks me next I also tell her no. she goes back into her room. She notices that her windows are unlocked, which is odd because she locked them and never unlocked them. Then she goes to look at her cable box to get the time and notices that her DVD player is missing. We come to the conclusion that we have been robbed. She calls the cops and they come. She fills out the police report and they leave. Later I notice that my autographed eagles jersey is missing. We figured it had to be my uncle because he was the only one who knew the ins and outs of the house. And the windows could only be unlocked from inside, since we knew it wasn’t us we figured it had to be him because he was living with us until we put him out a few weeks ago. Some evidence that lead us to believe it was him was there was a letter addressed to him that came in the mail the other day and now it was missing. So that the time I was robbed and didn’t notice it till later.
My Trip to New York by Olivia Williams
When I got back to Pennsylvania I wish I was back in New York. I then remember all of my trip to New York. I woke up around 8:00am on a hot summer day and washed up and took a shower. I then got dress and put on a white collar shirt, a pair of tan shorts, and some white flip flops. My hair was in a pony tail to the side. I had on some gold heart earrings with the matching chain and bracelet. After getting ready I packed my bag for a two day trip to New York. After packing I went to wake up my mom. She woke up and beginning getting ready. Shorty after getting ready she cooked me a small breakfast consisting of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and toast with a glass of orange juice on the side. Finishing my breakfast, I got my bag and went to the car. When I step outside I could feel the hot summer sun beaming on me. I could see my shining skin as the sun hit my body. When I got in the car I turned on the air, it was hot. We were off to the airport. When I got there I checked my plan ticket in and said my goodbyes to my mom. I went through security and got settled on the plane. No more than 15 minutes went by when the plane was ready to take off. When I got on the plane I went to sleep and when I woke up I was in New York. I got off the plane and went looking for my aunt Kim to pick me up. It took me like 10 minutes to find her. After finding her we went to get my bag. Then we got in the car and drove away. While in the car we talked about all kinds of stuff like school, her new job as a fashion designer, and much more. Then she ask was I hungry and I said yes. We went to eat at this stand. We both had a spice of pizza. It was good. After eating we went to Times Square. It was so amazing. Although it was not all lit up like at night, it still looked wonder. It was so big I thought I was going to get lost. After just looking around for a minute I decided to explore. Me and my aunt went around Times Square looking at all the amazing sites to see. Since it was my first time there I thought it would be best if I took pictures. I took pictures of mostly everything. I ask my aunt since I was tried could we go home. When I stepped in the house it was like stepping into heaven. The light from the beaming sun lit up everything making it look like you were in the sky. Her house consist of the color blue that I could tell was her own. She showed me to the guest bedroom and I settled in and went to bed. When I woke up around 10:00am I could smell the food she cooked for me. She cooked oatmeal, eggs. bacon, and toast with a glass of apple juice on the side, my favorite. After eating I went to pack my stuff because I was living today. I packed my stuff and went to the car. We decided to go shopping. We went to many stores that I didn't even know the name of. After shopping for hours it was time to live. When we got to the airport I checked my ticket in and said my goodbyes to my aunt. I told my aunt that I will be back and don't forget me. After that I went through security and got on the plane back to Pennsylvania. When I got off the plane I wished I was back in New York.
That Song
Rico opened his phone and tried to call his brother Macho. I thought to myself " why is he doing this?" I knew why he wouldn't get an answer. But the reason he wouldn't get an answer made me cry. It started off as a normal day in our lives. Go to school, come home, and hang out. Most of these days were fairly boring unless we find something to do. However, this day we couldn't find anything to do. So I put on some music and started my homework. As we sat there, Rico started to think about a song. I asked him what songand he said he didn't know so i started guessing and got it right. It was "How To Save A Life" by The Fray. I thought to myself " what a stupid song!" He told me that it makes him think about how messed up this world is. So we sat there in silence and listened. I saw a tear come to his eye and that is when he opened his phone and tried to call his dead brother Macho That is when he broke down which made me cry. Then I began to think about my grandfather which made it worse. Because of this day, this song is one of the best songs I ever heared and because of this day, I will never listen to that song again.
Patrick McNally The Lot
He we are, on this abandoned car in the back of an old deserted lot. Four raging beasts are circling around us nipping at our feet just barely missing us. The sound of the fierce roars and scraping of claws and teeth on metal made us cower in fear. Each jump towards us grew closer and closer when suddenly...
One day me and my main man Kendall were riding our bikes around the neighborhood. It was the beginning of spring so it was the first time we had ridden our bikes in a while. We decided to ride around the neighborhood for a while. We were enjoying the ride and the hilly street of Memphis was allowing us to pick up speed. After a while we started to look for thrills like intense slopes and downhill streets. After riding up and down the ramps on side walks for a while you start to get bored. Kendall mentioned that he knew a place were there were massive dirt hills as tall as buildings that we could go to. After taking a break we decided to head to beach street where the lot was. He said it was right along the Delaware River and we'd have to be careful of bums attacking us. But bums would be the least of our problems. After arriving at the lot we had to go on a mission just to get into it. We had to lift our bikes over a conrcete barrier and walk through tall grass. Once we got through this jungle of tall weeds and itchy, scratchy, bug infested grass we saw a huge hill it was at least 5 stories high. While we were trying to get up the hill it was to steep to ride up so we had to walk our bikes up it. When we finally got to the top we could see the whole lot and the river. We wasted no time in riding down this monstrosity. As we flew down this hill our hair flew back the back chains began to ring and we couldn't help not to scream while riding down. The hill was made of all dirt and if we needed to stop quickly we would be sure to be in a mess. When we reached the bottom we were still flying at great speeds. We turned and went around to the back of the hill where we found an abandoned car. This car peaked our interest so we decided to park our bikes and check it out. The car was stripped down of all useful parts and looked like it had been burned inside. Papers we scattered everywhere all burned and charred black to some extent. As we were examining our strange find, we suddenly heard a faint barking in the distance. When we looked up we saw a pack of pit bulls standing in the distant hill we had just come over. We were all trapped in a fearful stare when all of a sudden the dogs came darting towards us. We didn't have enough time to jump on our bikes and ride away and the only way to get out was where the dogs were coming in at. We hurriedly jumped onto the trunk of the car and then the hood. I don't know how we had jumped so high maybe it was the fear and adrenalin in us. But just as soon as we got on the car the dogs were right behind us barking and growling there teeth at us. The dogs then started to circle the car and jump up at us. The roof of the car had barely enough room for us to both be on it and having the dogs chomping at our feet didn't help us to stay on the roof either. the dogs each took turns jumping at the car and snapping at our feet with their teeth. Each jump grew closer and closer when suddenly...the dogs ran away. We were so confused but we didn't stop to think where they were going we just hurried and grabbed our bikes. We didn't want to go where the dogs had just went so we had to climb with our bikes up the bakes of the tall hill. We had to carry our bikes up an almost vertical hill without falling and doing it quickly in case the dogs came back. I could barely make it up i was struggling to hold my bike and Kendall had to help me with my bike a few times. About halfway up the hill we hear the soft sound of barking in the distance. We looked down and saw that even more dogs had come and were waiting at the bottom of this mountain we were climbing. That gave us the push to keep climbing without even stopping for a break. We finally reached the top and without wasting a second raced down the hill on our bike toward the jungle where we had come in. We didn't even stop our bikes fully to hop over the barrier because we heard the faint sound of barking and paws stamping towards us through the jungle of weeds. We wheeliedd our bike up and popped them up enough to throw them over the wall. We then jumped over ourselves. We then realized finally safe and could take our time in getting home. It had been a long day.
One day me and my main man Kendall were riding our bikes around the neighborhood. It was the beginning of spring so it was the first time we had ridden our bikes in a while. We decided to ride around the neighborhood for a while. We were enjoying the ride and the hilly street of Memphis was allowing us to pick up speed. After a while we started to look for thrills like intense slopes and downhill streets. After riding up and down the ramps on side walks for a while you start to get bored. Kendall mentioned that he knew a place were there were massive dirt hills as tall as buildings that we could go to. After taking a break we decided to head to beach street where the lot was. He said it was right along the Delaware River and we'd have to be careful of bums attacking us. But bums would be the least of our problems. After arriving at the lot we had to go on a mission just to get into it. We had to lift our bikes over a conrcete barrier and walk through tall grass. Once we got through this jungle of tall weeds and itchy, scratchy, bug infested grass we saw a huge hill it was at least 5 stories high. While we were trying to get up the hill it was to steep to ride up so we had to walk our bikes up it. When we finally got to the top we could see the whole lot and the river. We wasted no time in riding down this monstrosity. As we flew down this hill our hair flew back the back chains began to ring and we couldn't help not to scream while riding down. The hill was made of all dirt and if we needed to stop quickly we would be sure to be in a mess. When we reached the bottom we were still flying at great speeds. We turned and went around to the back of the hill where we found an abandoned car. This car peaked our interest so we decided to park our bikes and check it out. The car was stripped down of all useful parts and looked like it had been burned inside. Papers we scattered everywhere all burned and charred black to some extent. As we were examining our strange find, we suddenly heard a faint barking in the distance. When we looked up we saw a pack of pit bulls standing in the distant hill we had just come over. We were all trapped in a fearful stare when all of a sudden the dogs came darting towards us. We didn't have enough time to jump on our bikes and ride away and the only way to get out was where the dogs were coming in at. We hurriedly jumped onto the trunk of the car and then the hood. I don't know how we had jumped so high maybe it was the fear and adrenalin in us. But just as soon as we got on the car the dogs were right behind us barking and growling there teeth at us. The dogs then started to circle the car and jump up at us. The roof of the car had barely enough room for us to both be on it and having the dogs chomping at our feet didn't help us to stay on the roof either. the dogs each took turns jumping at the car and snapping at our feet with their teeth. Each jump grew closer and closer when suddenly...the dogs ran away. We were so confused but we didn't stop to think where they were going we just hurried and grabbed our bikes. We didn't want to go where the dogs had just went so we had to climb with our bikes up the bakes of the tall hill. We had to carry our bikes up an almost vertical hill without falling and doing it quickly in case the dogs came back. I could barely make it up i was struggling to hold my bike and Kendall had to help me with my bike a few times. About halfway up the hill we hear the soft sound of barking in the distance. We looked down and saw that even more dogs had come and were waiting at the bottom of this mountain we were climbing. That gave us the push to keep climbing without even stopping for a break. We finally reached the top and without wasting a second raced down the hill on our bike toward the jungle where we had come in. We didn't even stop our bikes fully to hop over the barrier because we heard the faint sound of barking and paws stamping towards us through the jungle of weeds. We wheeliedd our bike up and popped them up enough to throw them over the wall. We then jumped over ourselves. We then realized finally safe and could take our time in getting home. It had been a long day.
Slowly Drifting Apart! FINAL DRAFT
we were slowly drifting apart like a rubberband slowly being poped!
We were friends for as long as i could remember. Her name is mya. Me and mya were always together. When i fought she fought, when i went to the mall she went to the mall, but you get it we were always together. when we were young we had cheered for the same team. Me and mya cheered for the northwest raiders and that was when i had first meet her.when i first meet mya she was mean to me she was like a big bully to me but soon we became the best of friends. when the school year begun we both went to the same school Fitler Academics plus. Me and mya were always in the same class except in the eighth grade. when me and mya were closer than we are now we would stay on the phone talking just about anything. I remember when mya would spend weeks over my house. When mya stayed over my house my mom would always take us shopping or out to eat. At the end of eight grade close to graduation thats when we started spending less time together. In the begining of the summer me and mya spent everyday together but than soon things just suddenly started to stop. When we started to go to our new schools(high school) it was like there was no more mya. She stop calling me i stoped calling her and when i do here from her it has to be every three weeks. Me and my bestfriend are slowly drifting away.
SYREETA WROTE;
your story knda remains me of me and my best friend. butunlike you guys me & my bff remained friends for like ever.=)
We were friends for as long as i could remember. Her name is mya. Me and mya were always together. When i fought she fought, when i went to the mall she went to the mall, but you get it we were always together. when we were young we had cheered for the same team. Me and mya cheered for the northwest raiders and that was when i had first meet her.when i first meet mya she was mean to me she was like a big bully to me but soon we became the best of friends. when the school year begun we both went to the same school Fitler Academics plus. Me and mya were always in the same class except in the eighth grade. when me and mya were closer than we are now we would stay on the phone talking just about anything. I remember when mya would spend weeks over my house. When mya stayed over my house my mom would always take us shopping or out to eat. At the end of eight grade close to graduation thats when we started spending less time together. In the begining of the summer me and mya spent everyday together but than soon things just suddenly started to stop. When we started to go to our new schools(high school) it was like there was no more mya. She stop calling me i stoped calling her and when i do here from her it has to be every three weeks. Me and my bestfriend are slowly drifting away.
SYREETA WROTE;
your story knda remains me of me and my best friend. butunlike you guys me & my bff remained friends for like ever.=)
The Road To ...........SOMEBODY By Shardae Carroll
The Heart Pounded So Fast That It's Out Of Beat. The Sweat Runs Down A Tunnel Like A Water Ride. My Eyes Was Focused On The Roaring Creatures And I Was Ready To Attack . What Held Me Back Was The Shyness And The Thought Of Others Watching. My Heart Raced , But Still i was Ready To Show The World What i Could Do. I Looked Outside And Saw The Crowd Screaming. We Was A Team Of 3 , All With Special Talents. It Was Klea , Teara and I , All About To Show What We Could Do And What We Kept A Secret. It Was The Year 2004 In The Month of June , It Was Held A Stearne Elementary School . It Was....The Fifth Grade Talent Show ! It Was Held In The School Yard Where We Had Recess .
It Was The Last Day Of School So We Thought We Should Leave With Something To Be Known For. It Was About 10 Minutes Before We Had To Perform , Teara and Klea Forgot Their Parts. I Was Mad Because It Took Me About 2 weeks To Make Up The Step And Teach Them and Then They Forgot ! I Was Furious And Upset . I Didn't Want To Be Embarrassed Because Of Two People That Don't Remember . I Yelled And Screamed and tried to get them to Remember . My Mom And Sister Came Over And Said " You Shouldn't Yell At Your Friends " But At The Moment I Didn't Care, Which Was Wrong . I Began To Cry And Said I Quit ! But Klea And Teara Said " Don't Quit This is Your Dream And You Deserve To Be Known. I Gave Them A Hug And Apologized For My Anger Earlier. They Forgave me and I Started To Show Them Their Parts Again , Hoping They Get It In time Before We Perform. We Looked Outside Again The Crowd Was Still Roaring Like Dinosaurs. The Announcer Was Telling Who Was Next We Was Second Before Last.
We Put On Our Uniforms To Perform We Had On A White Tee Shirt That Had Spray On It With The Colors Of Red And Blue . In The Middle Was Blue Letters That Said Our Group Name Which Was Called THE BIG TYMERS. On the Back Of The Shirt Was Our Favorite Numbers Mine Was 13 , On The Back Was Our Nicknames Which Was Day-Day , Leah and Tee-Tee. We Had On Half Cut Black Gloves And Any Jeans We Wanted To Put On , We All Had Adidas Sneakers On With Black Stripes. We Gathered Around And Started To Pray. The Announcer Called Our Group Name We Was Next ! We Got On Stage And Got In Our Positions , The Crowd Got Quiet I was scared I Never Danced In Public Before My Palms Was Sweating And My Heart Was Racing. The Music Started To Play We Was Dancing To " Yeah" By Usher Raymond. In My Mind I Was Thinking About If They Forgot Their Parts Again Or If I Mess Up . Well Guess What ? We Didn't , We Was The Best Act. The Crowd Was Screaming And Cheering. It Was Kind Of Funny Because It Was Our Friends. After We Performed, Everyone Was Running Towards Us Asking For Autographs And Congratulating Us, It Was Fun And Funny. It Felt Like We Were Celebrities. I Was Relieved And Happy. We Would've Won First Place But The Announcer Said Everyone Is A Winner. I Was Just Happy To Show My Talent And My Passion. Now I'm 14 Years Old, I Still Dance And Love It Truly. I Attended A Dance Session For Two Years And Also Got A Little Publicity From My Dancing. I Got Interviewed For My Dancing And It Was Shown World Wide. People Ask Me To Dance All The Time But I Still Get Shy And Nervous When I Do It. I Now Have My Own Dance Group And I'm Planning To Go To College In New York To Take On Choreography And Become What I Always wanted To Be And That Is . . . . . . A Dancer ,A positive Role Model ,All I Want Is To Be.......SOMEBODY!
It Was The Last Day Of School So We Thought We Should Leave With Something To Be Known For. It Was About 10 Minutes Before We Had To Perform , Teara and Klea Forgot Their Parts. I Was Mad Because It Took Me About 2 weeks To Make Up The Step And Teach Them and Then They Forgot ! I Was Furious And Upset . I Didn't Want To Be Embarrassed Because Of Two People That Don't Remember . I Yelled And Screamed and tried to get them to Remember . My Mom And Sister Came Over And Said " You Shouldn't Yell At Your Friends " But At The Moment I Didn't Care, Which Was Wrong . I Began To Cry And Said I Quit ! But Klea And Teara Said " Don't Quit This is Your Dream And You Deserve To Be Known. I Gave Them A Hug And Apologized For My Anger Earlier. They Forgave me and I Started To Show Them Their Parts Again , Hoping They Get It In time Before We Perform. We Looked Outside Again The Crowd Was Still Roaring Like Dinosaurs. The Announcer Was Telling Who Was Next We Was Second Before Last.
We Put On Our Uniforms To Perform We Had On A White Tee Shirt That Had Spray On It With The Colors Of Red And Blue . In The Middle Was Blue Letters That Said Our Group Name Which Was Called THE BIG TYMERS. On the Back Of The Shirt Was Our Favorite Numbers Mine Was 13 , On The Back Was Our Nicknames Which Was Day-Day , Leah and Tee-Tee. We Had On Half Cut Black Gloves And Any Jeans We Wanted To Put On , We All Had Adidas Sneakers On With Black Stripes. We Gathered Around And Started To Pray. The Announcer Called Our Group Name We Was Next ! We Got On Stage And Got In Our Positions , The Crowd Got Quiet I was scared I Never Danced In Public Before My Palms Was Sweating And My Heart Was Racing. The Music Started To Play We Was Dancing To " Yeah" By Usher Raymond. In My Mind I Was Thinking About If They Forgot Their Parts Again Or If I Mess Up . Well Guess What ? We Didn't , We Was The Best Act. The Crowd Was Screaming And Cheering. It Was Kind Of Funny Because It Was Our Friends. After We Performed, Everyone Was Running Towards Us Asking For Autographs And Congratulating Us, It Was Fun And Funny. It Felt Like We Were Celebrities. I Was Relieved And Happy. We Would've Won First Place But The Announcer Said Everyone Is A Winner. I Was Just Happy To Show My Talent And My Passion. Now I'm 14 Years Old, I Still Dance And Love It Truly. I Attended A Dance Session For Two Years And Also Got A Little Publicity From My Dancing. I Got Interviewed For My Dancing And It Was Shown World Wide. People Ask Me To Dance All The Time But I Still Get Shy And Nervous When I Do It. I Now Have My Own Dance Group And I'm Planning To Go To College In New York To Take On Choreography And Become What I Always wanted To Be And That Is . . . . . . A Dancer ,A positive Role Model ,All I Want Is To Be.......SOMEBODY!
Weakness Is Just As Ugly-Alexis
She sits in the stall and cries. I text in the stall next to her. I know who it it from her feet. "They explode!" as the others say. I try not to make things worse, but I yell at her to, "Stop crying like a punk." She stiffens, but she knows it's the best thing anyone has ever done.
It ewas a hot day in these halls. From the windows in Mr. Gowans classroom I could see the bleeding trees. Math, science, reading, and all the other school life drigted pass me undisturbed. That was until I saw her. "Hideous!" I thought. Who was this thing? It smiled at me and waved. I felt my face turn up in disgust. I quickly turned my head and giggled at the thought of me and her possibly being friends. I mean, look at her. She had those exploding feet, scarred up unshaven legs, a too big sports bra, a shirt that had been worn too many times, and that face! I had to compose my laughter so no one would ask about my giggles.
Then, she sat next to me. Oh My God, she sat next to me. Why would she do that? Did her mind entertain the very thought of me actually conversing with her?
I was so embarrassed that she sat next to me. I pondered on what people would think. So there I sat, silently.
As I was embarrassed, I viewed myself as a coward. Why was I so afraid of what these other people thought? Why was I the one afraid?
Day after day she was tormented by these people who seemed so sweet. Most would say I was a sweet girl as well, but I secretly felt like I was one of them. Although the comments were mainly to myself, I was a bully. Even though I had tried so consciously not to be, I had subconsciously become one of them.
I saw this girl as strong. Probably the strongest girl I knew. It took more than just physical muscles, but emotional muscles too. It had to take alot to keep going like she has. People treated her like she wasn't even human. They practically tortured her. I never understood what it took for her to come here everyday. These people had no sympathy. She was strong.
As I stood in the bathroom stall texting, I heard a weep. I heard a few. I saw a tear drop on the floor. She was a barrior, and over time, these unsympathetic people broke her down. By breaking down her facade, the water from her hurt flooded though her eyes.
I knew who it was from her feet. They exploded like the others said. But for this time and in the future I promised, I forgot about the physical aspects of her. I did not see all the things that made her unpretty, but I saw all the things that made her weak. This is when I saw what made her truly ugly. I wanted her to be strong all the time. So, I showed her no sympathy towards her weakness as I said, "Stop crying like a punk!"
She stiffened, and I could hear her choke back her tears. She now knows that it is more important for her not to be weak, than not to be pretty. Those "pretty" people were weak. And to me, that made them uglier than her.
It ewas a hot day in these halls. From the windows in Mr. Gowans classroom I could see the bleeding trees. Math, science, reading, and all the other school life drigted pass me undisturbed. That was until I saw her. "Hideous!" I thought. Who was this thing? It smiled at me and waved. I felt my face turn up in disgust. I quickly turned my head and giggled at the thought of me and her possibly being friends. I mean, look at her. She had those exploding feet, scarred up unshaven legs, a too big sports bra, a shirt that had been worn too many times, and that face! I had to compose my laughter so no one would ask about my giggles.
Then, she sat next to me. Oh My God, she sat next to me. Why would she do that? Did her mind entertain the very thought of me actually conversing with her?
I was so embarrassed that she sat next to me. I pondered on what people would think. So there I sat, silently.
As I was embarrassed, I viewed myself as a coward. Why was I so afraid of what these other people thought? Why was I the one afraid?
Day after day she was tormented by these people who seemed so sweet. Most would say I was a sweet girl as well, but I secretly felt like I was one of them. Although the comments were mainly to myself, I was a bully. Even though I had tried so consciously not to be, I had subconsciously become one of them.
I saw this girl as strong. Probably the strongest girl I knew. It took more than just physical muscles, but emotional muscles too. It had to take alot to keep going like she has. People treated her like she wasn't even human. They practically tortured her. I never understood what it took for her to come here everyday. These people had no sympathy. She was strong.
As I stood in the bathroom stall texting, I heard a weep. I heard a few. I saw a tear drop on the floor. She was a barrior, and over time, these unsympathetic people broke her down. By breaking down her facade, the water from her hurt flooded though her eyes.
I knew who it was from her feet. They exploded like the others said. But for this time and in the future I promised, I forgot about the physical aspects of her. I did not see all the things that made her unpretty, but I saw all the things that made her weak. This is when I saw what made her truly ugly. I wanted her to be strong all the time. So, I showed her no sympathy towards her weakness as I said, "Stop crying like a punk!"
She stiffened, and I could hear her choke back her tears. She now knows that it is more important for her not to be weak, than not to be pretty. Those "pretty" people were weak. And to me, that made them uglier than her.
Quote of the Day for Tuesday, 2/26/08
"The trouble is that when you're just beginning to write, you may believe that words committed to paper are sacred, fixed, immutable. But you're not dealing with a finished, printed, copyrighted book, only with an idea, a pile of words that change shape many times before they take shape as a book." --Dorothy Bryant
Take 10 minutes to write in your journal about any topic you'd like. Write for 10 minutes; don't stop to edit yourself.
Possible topic if you're stuck: Make up a character who will star in your first fiction story.
Homework
A draft of your 2nd personal narrative needs to be posted to the blog by the beginning of class tomorrow. If you do not have access to a computer and/or the internet, I will be here today after school until 4:30pm.
Take 10 minutes to write in your journal about any topic you'd like. Write for 10 minutes; don't stop to edit yourself.
Possible topic if you're stuck: Make up a character who will star in your first fiction story.
Homework
A draft of your 2nd personal narrative needs to be posted to the blog by the beginning of class tomorrow. If you do not have access to a computer and/or the internet, I will be here today after school until 4:30pm.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Trying out new styles of opening
In your journal, write two new openings for the story you wrote for today (or three if you're not satisfied with the one you already wrote).
One hint is that you don't always have to start at the beginning. Play with the chronological organization of your story.
Avoid the ordinary.
Remember to grab the reader's attention and give some idea of what your narrative is about.
Don't give too much information away too early. Create some suspense.
When possible, show don't tell.
One hint is that you don't always have to start at the beginning. Play with the chronological organization of your story.
Avoid the ordinary.
Remember to grab the reader's attention and give some idea of what your narrative is about.
Don't give too much information away too early. Create some suspense.
When possible, show don't tell.
Quote of the Day for Monday, 2/25/08
"Write several short openings to the same story... Don't consciously judge these openings. Instead, keep producing variations... Once you've done this a few times, you'll become quite adept at producing these by merely moving through the possibilities. And, inevitably, one of the variations will click in your mind, and you'll feel a sense of rightness and eagerness-- 'Yes this is it.' That is one of the major pleasures in writing fiction." --Nancy Kress
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Freedom Writers and Narrative Number 2
“Write about something that will change your life. It is the best gift you can give yourself.” –John Truby
You’ve finished watching the film Freedom Writers. I hope that you drew some inspiration from how each those students found her “voice” and had the courage to tell her story. These stories were about their lives; they were real. Each story had something every reader could relate to: passion, pain, danger, tragedy, comedy; each had something that touched the reader’s heart. Beware: don’t make yourself a hapless victim; you are not trying to make the reader feel sorry for you; you risk coming across as pathetic. Instead, if you show pain, show the human struggle with the pain. This type of writing is risky; it takes courage; it requires that you make yourself vulnerable, and no one is comfortable with that. Just remember every good story reminds the reader what it is to be human.
In your journal, brainstorm ideas for personal narrative #2.
For Friday, write the first draft of that story in your journal.
You’ve finished watching the film Freedom Writers. I hope that you drew some inspiration from how each those students found her “voice” and had the courage to tell her story. These stories were about their lives; they were real. Each story had something every reader could relate to: passion, pain, danger, tragedy, comedy; each had something that touched the reader’s heart. Beware: don’t make yourself a hapless victim; you are not trying to make the reader feel sorry for you; you risk coming across as pathetic. Instead, if you show pain, show the human struggle with the pain. This type of writing is risky; it takes courage; it requires that you make yourself vulnerable, and no one is comfortable with that. Just remember every good story reminds the reader what it is to be human.
In your journal, brainstorm ideas for personal narrative #2.
For Friday, write the first draft of that story in your journal.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
When i broke my collar bone (Revised version)
On one furiously hot summer day, me and my home boys were starting to get bored of sitting on the step and getting all sticky with sweat. We wanted to go swimming or relax in the comfort of air conditioning but none of us had a pool and we didnt want to sit inside. None of us had money for water balloons either. When all of us were about to give in to the scorching heat, we had found a football just laying under the car. We decided to go play a game football at the schoolyard. when we got there the field was kind of rugid and dry but we didnt care we still played. We started by just playing two hand touch. then we started playing tackle fpptball which was intense. i was playing a good game so far but i was worried of getting plowed down by one of my older friends. the next play the ball as handed off to me. I was running it down the side of the feild and it was starting to get a little rocky and and the grass was fading. then the person on the other team came running right toward me and tackled my legs. i flipped in the air like an acrobat and landed on my head and shoulder. i felt my bone crack and i could see it stabbing out of the skin a little. i then had to walk home and tell my parents. i had broken my collar bone!! when it healed the first thing i did was play football.
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ryan rowan said...
Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.this is a good opening but it wasnt that descriptive
What do you think the narrative will be about? i think the narrative will be about patrick playin football(even though i know what its about)
Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.patrick and his friends were really bored one dayand it was really hot. so he decided to play football and something bad happened.
Finish this statement: Things I liked best were… that he used good sensory details towards the middle and end of the story.
Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were…
that he didnt explain things very well.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ryan rowan said...
Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.this is a good opening but it wasnt that descriptive
What do you think the narrative will be about? i think the narrative will be about patrick playin football(even though i know what its about)
Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.patrick and his friends were really bored one dayand it was really hot. so he decided to play football and something bad happened.
Finish this statement: Things I liked best were… that he used good sensory details towards the middle and end of the story.
Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were…
that he didnt explain things very well.
The kid who loved basketball (final draft)
I started playing basketball since i was 4 years old. Since i was little,people was telling that basketball is not my sport football is because I was big but I did not listen to them and continued to play basketball. As i was getting older I was playing for variety of teams so that meant that I was getting better and better. Now that i am in high school a freshman 6'1 203 my goal was to get straight a's and b's and try out for varsity and make it and be a star and if I didnt I knew for sure that I was going to be on junoir varsity. December came the tryouts began I went to Parkway Northwest first and we started running and running, and then we started to play a 5 on 5 I was dominating as a big man and on top of that I was shooting well. When we finish my sister came to pick me up and the coach says that is that your son, my sister says no thats my brother and the coach said that I am a very good player I know how to shoot and I get rebounds. Then he asked me What grade I was in and I said that I am a freshman He screams and says wat. Then he tells me that I should be playing for varsity. I went to the varsity tryouts and I was playing good there so the assissant coach asks me what grade I was in and I said that I was a freshman and he said that I am lieing and I said you can ask one of my friend then he believe me, then he tells me that he is going to give me a spot on varsity but if he cant I am defenitly going to be on junior varsity. But when I went home I was thinking about it and I said to myself that their was a couple of people on that team that is nice but I am not going to get that much time I want to get, on the other hand if I play for junior varsity I am going get the playing time I want to get for sure. So I play for junior varsity I did good in the season but i was missing some layups but I always redem myself for them layups on defense or getting rebounds.We finished the season with the record of 7-2. One day my goal is to make the nba. I know that it is hard to make the nba but I am working hard and making sure I be good enough to play in the college ball and then go to the pros and be a star.
One crazy ight for Devante FINAL POST !!!
One day in the summer time I had one of the craziest days in my life. I mean so crazy u wouldnt believ all this stuff had happened. I was just gettin off of work and my dad had told me to watch my little brother so he could get ready for this party he was goin to. Now i couldnt watch my little bro all day so he let me take him over my friend house and i let his mom take him somewhere. So my little brother is out and im free to have fun. Im playin in ma friend house and all of a sudden we hear big knocks on the door. Its the cops some guy ran from them and he went in the alley way so they checked out the house. Then they found him and he started shootin and they shot back. It was so loud in the house. A window was broke and the back door had atleast five holes in it. Here is the one thing thats good happened no one was hit. The guy the cops were chasin was veru happy cause he never got caught. Lol that was a funny night to my self because i was thinkin if my dad had never went to that party i would of never been thyrough this mess. Hey what can i say atleast i made it pass a rough night.
Final Draft!!! Aquil McIntyre
I was speeding up Germantown avenue, on my my miniture mortorcycle, hopeing I wouldnt hit a pot hole and flip off the bike. When I had seen the pot hole up ahead, I slowed down and tried to get back on the pavement. When I tried to get back on the pavement, my tire got stuck on the trolly tracks and the bike flipped over. Since I didnt have on a helmet, I realized what kind of danger my life was in. When people saw me fall of the bike they pulled over, and helped me up. When I got home, I had told my dad what had happen and he took me to the hospitall. We were in waiting in the hospital for almost two hours before I was seen by the doctor. Before i left the hospitall the doctor had given me some pain medication for my sprained ankle. When we arrived home i went striaght up to my room, and thanked god for not letting me get hurt any worst than I did.
My First Ride Final Draft
Can you imagine what it is like to be a nine year old girl riding a rollercoaster for the very first time I can. This is my story. As I waited in line to ride " The Lochness Monster" at the Busch Gardens park in Williamsburg, VA my heart began to pound faster and louder than a man playing the drums. Thump, Thump, Thump it went until the ride was over. I was more afraid than a young girl who was afraid of the darkness. I wasn't afraid because I thought I was going to fall or anything, but I was afraid that I was going to vomit on the person sitting next to me( I got and still get motion sick).
As I took my seat I began to thinking " what I'm I getting my self into". The cart began to move and creak. While the cart moved faster I began to shiver as if I had a syndrome. The person next to me told me that everything was going to be ok, but knowing me I did not listen. My heart beat faster every time the cart went down a hill.
After the ride I realized that it really wasn't a big deal. The ride did have loops and twists but they weren't as long as most rollercoasters. The thing that was a big deal was that the conducters were taking pictures of the people who were on the ride. My pictrue did not come out so great because I had my head down as if I was throwing up.
*D@y~D@y* said...
1. Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
Actually not really i think you should try to set the setting first or actually say something off topic that relates to the story . and then come in to the story .
2. What do you think the narrative will be about?
i think it will be about her on the roller coaster and getting sick .
3. Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.
she kinda got over her fears if roller coasters and she wasn't as scared anymore but she got sick on the roller coaster .
4. Finish this statement: Things I liked best were…
how you described ya heart and how is was racing .
5. Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were… describe more of how you feel before your on the roller coaster . put much more description and details . what did you think really was gonna happen ? where did the fears come from ?
As I took my seat I began to thinking " what I'm I getting my self into". The cart began to move and creak. While the cart moved faster I began to shiver as if I had a syndrome. The person next to me told me that everything was going to be ok, but knowing me I did not listen. My heart beat faster every time the cart went down a hill.
After the ride I realized that it really wasn't a big deal. The ride did have loops and twists but they weren't as long as most rollercoasters. The thing that was a big deal was that the conducters were taking pictures of the people who were on the ride. My pictrue did not come out so great because I had my head down as if I was throwing up.
*D@y~D@y* said...
1. Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
Actually not really i think you should try to set the setting first or actually say something off topic that relates to the story . and then come in to the story .
2. What do you think the narrative will be about?
i think it will be about her on the roller coaster and getting sick .
3. Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.
she kinda got over her fears if roller coasters and she wasn't as scared anymore but she got sick on the roller coaster .
4. Finish this statement: Things I liked best were…
how you described ya heart and how is was racing .
5. Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were… describe more of how you feel before your on the roller coaster . put much more description and details . what did you think really was gonna happen ? where did the fears come from ?
Formidable opponent final draft
My sweaty trigger finger was moving rapidly as i tried to destroy my opponent. The look of fear clouded his face through the foggy mask. Darting through the trees, he swiftly dodged my incoming paintballs. He continued to run, duck, and dodge until he reached the fort where his allies had been nesting. My opponent was fairly easy to identify. He had on black boots and army fatigue overalls to rest over them. In the place where his name tag should be was a tattered slip of paper which I could tell had endured many previous battles. The only letters I could make out on the paper were “J.Or”. At this time, the least of my worries was the name of this person. Instead, the only concern I had was for my safety. Pop! Pop! Pop! I heard the menacing sound of guns as a hailstorm of paintballs dropped on a nearby trench. “Ten seconds left.” The official shouted. This was a crucial period and I was determained to win. He blindly shot in my direction, and then I heard the whizzing of a paintball only a few centimeters away from my ear. Then I returned fire, he wan't so lucky as to just feel the breeze of my fire, he would feel the full effect right between the eyes. I had won , showing my enemy that I was the best, but that wasn't the last time we'd meet.
Monday, February 18, 2008
The Football Game [Final Draft]
I sat in my room a few days ago, and I was thinking, "What memory do I have that I could possibly write about?". I started thinking and I pictured this day right away. It stuck out like a sore thumb. I can remember possibly everything about that crazy day from long ago like it happened yesterday. The food, the smells, the warm feelings, and the helmet. The helmet was a gift my dad got for Christmas from a friend. It was a Miami Dolphins football helmet. He loved that helmet. It was his only prized possession and he would just die if anything happened to it. But that day, something almost did happen to the helmet and my dad never knew. It all started when my brother Ryan and I woke up that Sunday morning. My dad was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and my mom was at work. My dad was making our favorite food; chocolate chip pancakes. He was trying so hard to put every bit of perfection he had into each pancake, yet somehow they would still have something wrong with them. They either had too many chocolate chips or not enough; they were either too large or too small. Though they were good enough for Ryan and me who hadn't eaten anything so far. We sat down and started to eat the pancakes one by one. They more we ate, the more my dad made. For every one we would eat, there would be like five more on the table in front of you. As you would bite into them, you see the steam come up into the air intoxicating it with a smell so sweet, you could almost die. The chocolate chips would melt into your mouth; the mix of heat from being made and the milk combining into one somewhat like a chemical reaction. After we ate, my brother and I went to go get dressed. Ryan was wearing jeans that could probably on fit on my feet now, blue socks, and a striped green, red, and purple tee shirt. I was wearing yellow sweatpants and a pink shirt that had every letter of the alphabet on it. (We were very creative back then, I know) My mom finally came home from work when Ryan and I were playing tag around the house. She told us to stop running because we would probably break something. My mom and dad then started to mix sauces and make shrimp and put chips in bowls. They invited friends to come over and watch the big game with them. It was Sunday afternoon and today was the day that the Miami Dolphins would be playing. My dad was and still is to this day, a Miami Dolphins fan. Around three o'clock that afternoon, people started to come over. There was only a few kids who came, two to be exact. They were my two cousins Steven and Danny. Steven was the oldest, then it was me, after that came Ryan, and finally little Danny. Danny was only a few months at the time so we didn't play much with him. Us three big kids were interested in causing some havoc today. We went straight to my room, and began planning. Steven even drew a little map of where we would go and how we would do it. It was as if we were spies. As the adults were starting to sit down to watch their football game, us kids began plotting how it would work. Our main goal? To reach the candy jar in the kitchen pantry and sneak candy into my room. The game had finally started and in some way, it was as if us kids had started a football game of our own. We planned carefully and had "moves" to win like the Dolphins had plays to win. We started to go in the living room to get to the kitchen and we tried to not get caught. The adults were paying attention to the television and the Dolphins had gotten their second down. We went running behind the sofa, and score! We got right in the kitchen without anyone catching us. Us kids were so happy, it was as if we really won something important. We continued our rough journey as the adults kept on going with their game. Watching that game as if it was their future right before their eyes. We walked in the pantry and tried to turn on the light. "Poop Heads", we all said in unison. We didn't reach the light switch. There was no possible way to go on with the lights off. Our mission would end here. Fortunately for us, Steven had an idea. If we got a chair from the kitchen, we could drag it to the pantry and stand on it to turn the switch on. But that was a little to risky for us. If the adults heard us dragging the chair from the dining room all the way to the kitchen pantry, they would come raging in to see if everything was ok with us and to make sure nothing is broken. We couldn't take that risk because they wouldn't then leave us alone in the kitchen after catching us moving a chair. We decided not to drag the chair, but to simply lift it. The three of us would be able to lift the chair easily. So we went to the chair, and we lifted it up with all of our strength. We had got it up in the air too! It was amazing lifting that chair, mainly because we got it up in the air so easily. We had finally got the chair in the pantry and the game was halfway through. The commercials came on and my uncle came in the kitchen for a drink. We ran as fast as we could from the pantry to the hallway making sure to shut off the lights while trying to not get caught. Luckily, my uncle just got the drink from the fridge and left to go back and watch that little screen produce millions of little pixels to play his stupid little game of football. The three of us were careful to get to the pantry quietly and start from where we left off. Now to look for something edible that was tasty, sweet, and absolutely yummy. Spotted on the middle shelf yet still higher than our reach even with the chair, the Candy Jar. It gleamed on that shelf as if it had glitter on it or millions of shiny new pennies that were reflecting off the light. Yet all it had in it was candy; so much candy it could fill the stomachs of a whole family who had a sweet tooth. The jar was clear so you could see all the labels of the candy- Snickers, Milky Way, 100 Grand, M & M's, Reeses Pieces, and many more. The top was a stealth black color that was so shiny that if there was even a little scratch, it would ruin the glamour of the top itself. The whole jar was really only plastic so if it fell, it wouldn't really break unless it was a big fall; then it would break like a piñata. We tried to reach for it, but it didn't work. Ryan had been missing for a good five minutes so we began to worry. "Would he really stop low enough to tell the adults our plans?" we thought. We sat in the pantry, our heads hanging low, when Ryan appeared. He was standing in front of us telling us he would save the day like a super hero. He was wearing my dads prized possession. The glorious helmet in which my dad cherished more than life itself. As we were sitting there confused, Ryan began to hit his head on the shelf where the jar was sitting. He tackled the shelf for a few minutes and gave up. He didn't want to do this anymore because he thought we would get in trouble. Steven and me gave him a little pet talk because we didn't want to go down without giving a fight. Ryan began to tackle the shelf again when we saw it. The jar had finally wiggled a little closer to the edge. We started screaming and chanting Ryan's name in unison so he would gain confidence. He finally hit it so hard that the jar dropped right into my hands. Score; we finished our mission with flying colors. We took all the candy we could possibly eat and out of the blue, you can hear the adults screaming and cheering and all happy because the Miami Dolphins had one. They celebrated their victory while in return, us kids celebrated our victory too. We ran to my room, ready to eat the candy, and hid the candy in a box under my bed. We were so exhausted that we laid on my bed, and celebrated by taking a nap, instead of eating the chocolatey, creamy, gushy candies we had earned. And that was the day that I can remember so clearly mainly when I sit in my room and look at that helmet. The helmet that has held so many memories for me for so long that one day in return, I will hope that I have shared many memories of that precious helmet too. And what happened to the helmet, you may ask? Well, it's still my dad's prized possession to this day yet he never found out about our little adventure on that special day long ago.
alexis.pcc.blogger said...
1. This opening is very unique. I really like how you wrote as if you were talking.
2. i think the narrative will be about jessica and her friends breaking her dad's helmet.
3. Jessica's dad owns a very important helmet, and her cousins and brothers and her wanted some candy so they abused the helmet to get it.
4. The things i liked the best was how you described the pancakes.
5. The things i would like to know more about were what you did after you got the candy. What ever happened to this helmet???
alexis.pcc.blogger said...
1. This opening is very unique. I really like how you wrote as if you were talking.
2. i think the narrative will be about jessica and her friends breaking her dad's helmet.
3. Jessica's dad owns a very important helmet, and her cousins and brothers and her wanted some candy so they abused the helmet to get it.
4. The things i liked the best was how you described the pancakes.
5. The things i would like to know more about were what you did after you got the candy. What ever happened to this helmet???
The Day Adiva Fought The Monster - Final Draft
I thought I was going to die. Beads of sweat driped down my small plump brown face. My eyes twitched with anger and my knees weaken with the idea to stand up to a girl of that size. I walked firecly toward the girl I knew I would have to conqurer. The girl (Porsha) stood three feet four inches tall with eyes as big as moons. Her arms looked as if she could warp them around the world. Her fists were big enough to punch through the Great Wall of China. Her voice was deep but high for certain words. She smelled of baby powder and sugar cane, and always wore the same thing, a tight white button up shirt and a blue pleated skirt. If you never knew her, you would have thought that she was a perfectly nice girl, seemed harmless. But everyone in Allan Locke School knew the truth, she was mean and nasty a down-right bully. She spoke with authority for she knew that she basicly owned the school. She was in first grade and even fourth graders were scared of her. I for one would no longer live in fear of her. Eventhough I was three inches shorter than her and had to be thirty pounds lighter I had heart and never would let someone pick on me just because I hear a rumor that they could fight. Porsha would always come up to me and challenge me, but this time I would take her up on her offer. My mother always encourged me not to fight but not to be a punk. This was probably the hardest decision I had to make in my little life, to fight, and ruin my perfect record, or to be known as a punk. I decided to fight. I could not be in this school and be known as a punk. Everyone would take advantage of me then, and I could not have that, I have five more years in this school. Porsha was in my sights. She turned around and saw me. A demonic smile crept aross her big face. She knew what I came for and she was happy. She always wanted to fight me. As soon as we were face to face her fists came at me hard and fast. It looked as if her arms were weightless. My little body could not dodge all the punches she threw at me. Bobing and weaving I felt as if I were a amauter boxer and she was the heavy weight champ. Blow after blow she just kept on coming with hard ones to my face. With the all the punching and kicking I fell on the floor.I had never had someone hit me that hard and with all that furry. I came at her with the same, I might be little but I am heavy-handed. Then that is when I got home field advantage. I grabbed her hair and starting giving the punches she so effortless gave to me.I did not stop hitting her. I was angry, pounds of sweat dripped down my face. My once white shirt was dirty from Porsha's stained hands. I pulled her long brown braids until I saw a couple come out.I did everything in my power to hurt her. I wanted her to feel everything she has done to me, I kicked, strached, and pinched. I wanted to win. I wanted all the glory of beating up the school bully. I wanted to fight her until I could not move, but I was not only doing this for myself but for everyone in the school that did not have enough heart to do it themselves. Soon after kids started gathering around to see the fight of the century. They wanted to witness the teacher's pet beat up the bully. The children cheered louldly. I had became a hero of all ages and the pride I felt from that was unbelieveable. I could never see myself as a hero, a good role model yes, but not a hero. I was a morden day american sailor moon. I realized that I did not fight for respect as I thought I organially was, I fought for justice and equalitly, after all that was the only thing that I wanted was to be treated fairly. After I felt a sharp blow to my stomach, I felt someone grab my arm roughly and pull me up. I just realized that teachers had came and broke up the fight, but I did not want to stop. I pulled alway at their grasp to get back to Porsha, they grabed me up again and I was not strong enough to pull away this time. We did not get in trouble because we were so young, but we were not allowed to have recess for three months ( it may not seem like a harsh pushiment but when you are a kid that is the wrost thing in the world, not to have recess). After that day it was spread around the whole entire school that I could fight eventhough the first half of the fight I got beat up. I got the respect that I needed to successful in my school, and no one ever messed with me again.
1 Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
Yes, this opening interests me very much. It seems like she is anticipating something and it makes me want to know more.
2 What do you think the narrative will be about?
I think the narrative is going to be about a girl who conquers her fear and stands up to a bully.
3 Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.
Adiva had a bully in first grade, and one day she got sick of it and decided to fight her. She got somewhat beat, but in the end she was respected.
4 Finish this statement: Things I liked best were…
The things I liked best were the vivid images she created with her sensor details.
5 Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were…
The thing I want to know more about the fight. I think you could use more details and emotion to describe the fight.
1 Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
Yes, this opening interests me very much. It seems like she is anticipating something and it makes me want to know more.
2 What do you think the narrative will be about?
I think the narrative is going to be about a girl who conquers her fear and stands up to a bully.
3 Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.
Adiva had a bully in first grade, and one day she got sick of it and decided to fight her. She got somewhat beat, but in the end she was respected.
4 Finish this statement: Things I liked best were…
The things I liked best were the vivid images she created with her sensor details.
5 Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were…
The thing I want to know more about the fight. I think you could use more details and emotion to describe the fight.
The Day Adiva Fought The Monster Final Draft
I thought I was going to die. Beads of sweat driped down my small plump brown face. My eyes twitched with anger and my knees weaken with the idea to stand up to a girl of that size. I walked firecly toward the girl I knew I would have to conqurer. The girl (Porsha) stood three feet four inches tall with eyes as big as moons. Her arms looked as if she could warp them around the world. Her fists were big enough to punch through the Great Wall of China. Her voice was deep but high for certain words. She smelled of baby powder and sugar cane, and always wore the same thing, a tight white button up shirt and a blue pleated skirt. If you never knew her, you would have thought that she was a perfectly nice girl, seemed harmless. But everyone in Allan Locke School knew the truth, she was mean and nasty a down-right bully. She spoke with authority for she knew that she basicly owned the school. She was in first grade and even fourth graders were scared of her. I for one would no longer live in fear of her. Eventhough I was three inches shorter than her and had to be thirty pounds lighter I had heart and never would let someone pick on me just because I hear a rumor that they could fight. Porsha would always come up to me and challenge me, but this time I would take her up on her offer. My mother always encourged me not to fight but not to be a punk. This was probably the hardest decision I had to make in my little life, to fight, and ruin my perfect record, or to be known as a punk. I decided to fight. I could not be in this school and be known as a punk. Everyone would take advantage of me then, and I could not have that, I have five more years in this school. Porsha was in my sights. She turned around and saw me. A demonic smile crept aross her big face. She knew what I came for and she was happy. She always wanted to fight me. As soon as we were face to face her fists came at me hard and fast. It looked as if her arms were weightless. My little body could not dodge all the punches she threw at me. Bobing and weaving I felt as if I were a amauter boxer and she was the heavy weight champ. Blow after blow she just kept on coming with hard ones to my face. With the all the punching and kicking I fell on the floor.I had never had someone hit me that hard and with all that furry. I came at her with the same, I might be little but I am heavy-handed. Then that is when I got home field advantage. I grabbed her hair and starting giving the punches she so effortless gave to me.I did not stop hitting her. I was angry, pounds of sweat dripped down my face. My once white shirt was dirty from Porsha's stained hands. I pulled her long brown braids until I saw a couple come out.I did everything in my power to hurt her. I wanted her to feel everything she has done to me, I kicked, strached, and pinched. I wanted to win. I wanted all the glory of beating up the school bully. I wanted to fight her until I could not move, but I was not only doing this for myself but for everyone in the school that did not have enough heart to do it themselves. Soon after kids started gathering around to see the fight of the century. They wanted to witness the teacher's pet beat up the bully. The children cheered louldly. I had became a hero of all ages and the pride I felt from that was unbelieveable. I could never see myself as a hero, a good role model yes, but not a hero. I was a morden day american sailor moon. I realized that I did not fight for respect as I thought I organially was, I fought for justice and equalitly, after all that was the only thing that I wanted was to be treated fairly. After I felt a sharp blow to my stomach, I felt someone grab my arm roughly and pull me up. I just realized that teachers had came and broke up the fight, but I did not want to stop. I pulled alway at their grasp to get back to Porsha, they grabed me up again and I was not strong enough to pull away this time. We did not get in trouble because we were so young, but we were not allowed to have recess for three months ( it may not seem like a harsh pushiment but when you are a kid that is the wrost thing in the world, not to have recess). After that day it was spread around the whole entire school that I could fight eventhough the first half of the fight I got beat up. I got the respect that I needed to successful in my school, and no one ever messed with me again.
FINAL DRAFT
Ireena Atkinson February 8,2008
6th Period Creative Writing
My trip to Memphis Tennessee
Last summer my family and I took the most exciting trip to Memphis Tennessee. It took
almost two days to get there driving. When we finally got to Memphis, I got washed and dressed at our motel that we were staying at called The Navy Base. I wore my black and whit plaid
Bermuda shorts, an all white button up aeropostyle shirt, and white shell tops. I also had on studd earrings, silver bracelets, and an ankle bracelet.
After we all got washed and dressed we went to my uncle’s house to have fun. My uncle and his family live in the suburbs of Memphis Tennessee so it was really quiet. My uncle’s house is big. His house had a big living room, a fancy kitchen, a dining room, five bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a outside pool that went up to eight feet.
At my uncle’s house that is where I first learned how to ride a horse. The horses name that I rode was Jack. He was a dark brown color, he was small but he was not a Pony, he was very genital. On my first time riding Jack the horse, I fell off a couple of times. Once going down a narrow hill and then trying to get off. When I was riding Jack, his owner took me and my cousin through a lot of obstacles that he had set up for us. We jumped over mud holes and tall bricks. I was scared riding a horse but for my first time I thought that it was fun.
After riding horses we went swimming. I had on a sky blue bikini bathing suite. While swimming in the pool I had almost droned because my older cousins through me in eight feet water and I couldn’t swim. After swimming we all got washed, dressed and then we ate. I had a chicken sandwich, fruit, and a bag of plain potato chips. After eating we said "Happy Birthday" to my just turned sixteen-year-old brother. We spent the rest of the day on the computer and acting goofy and then we went back to our motel.
The next day we got up and dressed to go to my uncle’s house for some home made morning breakfast. We had eggs, sausages, hash browns, fruit, grits and any thing else that you can name. After eating we just sat, talked and took a lot of pictures. Than as soon as we all new it was time to get back on the rode. We all pack our clothes and some food for our two-day ride. We said our good byes and left. This was the best family trip ever!
Ireena Atkinson February 8,2008
6th Period Creative Writing
My trip to Memphis Tennessee
Last summer my family and I took the most exciting trip to Memphis Tennessee. It took
almost two days to get there driving. When we finally got to Memphis, I got washed and dressed at our motel that we were staying at called The Navy Base. I wore my black and whit plaid
Bermuda shorts, an all white button up aeropostyle shirt, and white shell tops. I also had on studd earrings, silver bracelets, and an ankle bracelet.
After we all got washed and dressed we went to my uncle’s house to have fun. My uncle and his family live in the suburbs of Memphis Tennessee so it was really quiet. My uncle’s house is big. His house had a big living room, a fancy kitchen, a dining room, five bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a outside pool that went up to eight feet.
At my uncle’s house that is where I first learned how to ride a horse. The horses name that I rode was Jack. He was a dark brown color, he was small but he was not a Pony, he was very genital. On my first time riding Jack the horse, I fell off a couple of times. Once going down a narrow hill and then trying to get off. When I was riding Jack, his owner took me and my cousin through a lot of obstacles that he had set up for us. We jumped over mud holes and tall bricks. I was scared riding a horse but for my first time I thought that it was fun.
After riding horses we went swimming. I had on a sky blue bikini bathing suite. While swimming in the pool I had almost droned because my older cousins through me in eight feet water and I couldn’t swim. After swimming we all got washed, dressed and then we ate. I had a chicken sandwich, fruit, and a bag of plain potato chips. After eating we said "Happy Birthday" to my just turned sixteen-year-old brother. We spent the rest of the day on the computer and acting goofy and then we went back to our motel.
The next day we got up and dressed to go to my uncle’s house for some home made morning breakfast. We had eggs, sausages, hash browns, fruit, grits and any thing else that you can name. After eating we just sat, talked and took a lot of pictures. Than as soon as we all new it was time to get back on the rode. We all pack our clothes and some food for our two-day ride. We said our good byes and left. This was the best family trip ever!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The Superman-final draft
As i looked out the window, the sun's beam reflected off the big and bright six flags sign. I stepped out the car and felt the scorching sun beaming down on my forehead. I put on my green-tinted glasses that matched perfectly with my outfit. That day I was sporting a green-blue bathing suit under my greenish-blue and white striped button up shirt, which had three buttons unloosened to show a little bit but not to much. I had on my new light-blue leans with hole in the knees, and a pair of green converses. I knew I was stunting, I just wanted everyone else to think so. My family and I grabbed our belongings and moved toward the park. Just as we got past security, I heard a loud noise. The sound was like the sound of thunder, rolling across the earth and making everyone shake. I looked up and saw the new addition to the park. THE SUPERMAN was written in big red letters, and it looked like the line was infinity and beyond. I did not really care much because I am not the roller coaster type, but the water park, yes, that is where I am going. I just could not get my mind of that roller coaster.
It was kind of like in the movies, when you hear a strange noise and you turn towards it. You know that your not suppose to go toward the sound, but you do it anyway. That is how I was feeling at that moment. It was huge, and it was not just like any roller coaster. Instead of sitting up, it lift you up so you were lying on your back. Then you put your hands up as superman does, and the roller coaster takes of with a bang. It was so cool. To bad, I do not ride roller coasters. Something in the back of my mind told me that the roller coaster and I was going to have a long day.
I enjoyed the rest of my day at the water park. My eye was still on that roller coaster. When it was about a hour before the park closed, I started getting my belonging and headed back to our dirty, rusty picnic table that the park provided as with. By the time, I ate and put my clothes on; I had about forty-minutes to enjoy the rest on the park. As I was leaving the food area, my cousins walked over all cheerful and giggly. Whatever they had did to get them like that I was going to try. I ask them what was going on, and they replied “The superman is the best ride every, we rode it four times already”. That’s was the ultimatum. I knew from this moment on, my life was about to make a dramastic change. As we walked up to the roller coaster, I notice that we were in another line than the main one. I asked “wats going on” and they replied, “We know some boy who works here who lets us go up the disable people line”. “Wow” was all I could say. As we closer, and closer to the ride, I felt my heart exploding causing my insides to explode. I always knew that one-day I was going to get on a roller coaster, but the craziest one in the park, I new I had lost my mind.
As I sat down on the roller coaster and they lock us in, I though about everything I said and everything I ever did. Before I could even wave to my family good-bye, they ride took off. I never in my life had been scared of roller coaster, but this one changed my mind. When it reached its highest peak, it shot down like a gun and I lost all the air I had in my lungs. I felt as if my whole body was going to slip right off the roller coaster so I held on tight. No more than 2 minutes later the ride was over. We got on it about three more times after that, and almost fell over are last time. This was the best experience of my life. Till this day, I’ll always cherish it.
Raven Cherel said...
1. Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
Yes, it does interest me because i liekamusment parks and I would like to know more about her day.
2. What do you think the narrative will be about?
I think this is going to be about her ride on THE SUPERMAN
3. Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences
She seen the rollercoster and made a decision to ride it or not. She rode the rollercoster and had fun.
4. Finish this statement: Things I liked best were…
the way she described the rollercoster.
5. Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were…
how her cusin knew the boy who worked there and how long it took for her to decide weather or not to ride the rollercoster.
It was kind of like in the movies, when you hear a strange noise and you turn towards it. You know that your not suppose to go toward the sound, but you do it anyway. That is how I was feeling at that moment. It was huge, and it was not just like any roller coaster. Instead of sitting up, it lift you up so you were lying on your back. Then you put your hands up as superman does, and the roller coaster takes of with a bang. It was so cool. To bad, I do not ride roller coasters. Something in the back of my mind told me that the roller coaster and I was going to have a long day.
I enjoyed the rest of my day at the water park. My eye was still on that roller coaster. When it was about a hour before the park closed, I started getting my belonging and headed back to our dirty, rusty picnic table that the park provided as with. By the time, I ate and put my clothes on; I had about forty-minutes to enjoy the rest on the park. As I was leaving the food area, my cousins walked over all cheerful and giggly. Whatever they had did to get them like that I was going to try. I ask them what was going on, and they replied “The superman is the best ride every, we rode it four times already”. That’s was the ultimatum. I knew from this moment on, my life was about to make a dramastic change. As we walked up to the roller coaster, I notice that we were in another line than the main one. I asked “wats going on” and they replied, “We know some boy who works here who lets us go up the disable people line”. “Wow” was all I could say. As we closer, and closer to the ride, I felt my heart exploding causing my insides to explode. I always knew that one-day I was going to get on a roller coaster, but the craziest one in the park, I new I had lost my mind.
As I sat down on the roller coaster and they lock us in, I though about everything I said and everything I ever did. Before I could even wave to my family good-bye, they ride took off. I never in my life had been scared of roller coaster, but this one changed my mind. When it reached its highest peak, it shot down like a gun and I lost all the air I had in my lungs. I felt as if my whole body was going to slip right off the roller coaster so I held on tight. No more than 2 minutes later the ride was over. We got on it about three more times after that, and almost fell over are last time. This was the best experience of my life. Till this day, I’ll always cherish it.
Raven Cherel said...
1. Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
Yes, it does interest me because i liekamusment parks and I would like to know more about her day.
2. What do you think the narrative will be about?
I think this is going to be about her ride on THE SUPERMAN
3. Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences
She seen the rollercoster and made a decision to ride it or not. She rode the rollercoster and had fun.
4. Finish this statement: Things I liked best were…
the way she described the rollercoster.
5. Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were…
how her cusin knew the boy who worked there and how long it took for her to decide weather or not to ride the rollercoster.
The Longest Walk EVERR
It was the night before the new adventure of my life, and my two best friends and I were outside on the porch soaking in the fresh air.
“It’s so nice out here; I don’ t want to go inside tonight,” Denaya complained.
“Well, you know…"
“No!” Denaya and I yelled before Margery would get an idea of impossibilities.
Margery replied, “What? I was only gonna say that you guys should spend the night. It would only make sense. It’ s already nine somethin’, and the walk is around seven. And since my mom is taking us, it would only make sense.”
We knew it was risky business asking Mami and Papa if we could spend the night over, but we asked anyways. Especially since all three of us, knowing each other for a few years now, had never all spent the night together. Not even on birthdays! Around nine fifty, we decided we could wait no longer and that we had to ask if we wanted to stay. It took us a lot to muster up the courage, but it was well worth it.
“Yay!” we all exclaimed in the utmost excitement.
Now, there were only two obstacles that stood in our way. Denaya and I had to ask our parents. So, at the same time, Denaya called her dad and I called my mommy. Both of them said yes, but since it was so dark, Denaya and I set out on a journey. We had exactly thirty minutes given to us by our parents to walk from Margery’s house to Denaya’s house, to my house, and back to Margery’s house. So, at ten fifteen, the two of us embarked on our journey in a square.
By ten thirty five, Denaya and I were walking in Margery’s house with bags in hand. We walked up her steps giggling with the wooden floors creaking. These wooden floors completed the feel of a fall day in Dominican Republic- a place we all knew. Often, Margery’s house was a resting place for the three of us to relax while we sorted our minds. The huge recliner chairs, the mango green walls, the wine, and the smell of Buela Dana’s Dominican dishes could make anyone feel at peace. But tonight, we were there to party. We planned to enjoy ourselves, even if it was just for a little while. We had a big day ahead of us. The following day, we were going to participate in a grand event. We were going to participate in the “Aids Walk“. Not only did it count for institutional credit, but it gave us a whole day for us three, even though there would be thousands of other people. Besides all the fun, we had a job to do when there. We were walking for a cure. Although I didn't quite get how walking could cure aids, I had it in my mind that on that specific day scientist would miraculously find the cure.
As we opened Margery's room door, she greeted us with a devious smile. We all knew that we were going to get into some real fun that night. Right away we went to enjoy some rice, beans, and chicken. After we ate our dinner, we kissed Mami and Papa goodnight, and went back into Margery's room. When we closed the door, we turned on some loud music, and began to throw the stuffed animals and layers of sheets onto the floor.
Margery's bed was a trampoline and we were touching the sky. At least we were touching the ceiling, until her mom came in and yelled "¡Sea callado ahora! Dormimos.” We all flopped down on the bouncy bed. Our options of fun were limited, but we had a plan. We simply watched television for a little while. We watched television until we were assured Mami and Papa were asleep. While those hours were passing we watched the clock go from twelve to one and on to two. When it was two a.m. we started our mischief. Did I say mischief? I meant, we started our FUN FUN FUN!
Since the neighbors were always giving Margery’s family trouble by not picking up their trash, we decided to repay them with some trash of our own. We slid Margery’s window all the way up until we had enough room to hatch our plan. We had enough room for all three of us to throw the stones we had collected from the broken path down below. Then, there was one. Then, there was another. And then, there was SILENCE. We were stunned quiet when we hit an old woman’s back door, and she yelled back at us. Because we were scared she might tell, we decided to close the window, and put that plan to rest. Instead, we decided to break out the cell phones.
I had people to call and discuss issues with, so I laid at one end of the bed. Denaya and Margery laid under the covers at the other end. I was extremely bored so I called someone named Mike. He was a really cool person and I was never bored while talking to him. We talked so much that night. We talked until about five in the morning. Normally, boys would run out of things to talk about, and I would lie and say I had to do something, but not with him. He was such a comedian that he kept my friends and I laughing the whole night.
Although my friends and I were on the phone with Mike, that didn’t stop us from stirring up other mischief. Of course, we played on peoples phones. It’s always funny to play on phones, but it’s even better when it’s someone you know. So, we all searched through our cell phones until we came upon people who we knew would argue back over the phone, and give us a laugh. First up was Ina. Ina was a friend of Margery’s from a summer program called PFL, and she attended Central with Margery as well. We all knew a good friend named Chris Yoak, and apparently Ina and Chris were talking to one another. We didn’t like the fact that they never met each other, and yet they were declaring their undying love for one another. So, we decided to call Ina with a little message. We called her cell phone, disguised our voices, and pretended to be Chris’ girlfriend. In all reality, we knew Chris didn’t have a girlfriend, but we were bored, and it seemed to be the most fun thing to do. All that night we called Ina and told her to leave Chris alone for good. But she turned her phone off after five calls, so we went hunting for our next victim. And alas, we came upon a name. This person had attitude for days, and we knew he wouldn’t take people playing on his cell phone lightly. So, until about four in the morning, we called non stop. He threatened, he cursed, and he promised the worse. But, he did not know who it was. We found it amusing how tough he was when he didn’t even know who was playing on his phone. Had he would have known it was us, he probably wouldn’t have said some of the things he said. Still, is was humorous.
We had planned to get to bed early, wake up at six, and leave the house for the walk by seven. But, of course nothing went this way. Instead, we woke up at seven thirty, and we didn’t leave until eight fifteen.
When we got there, to the art museum it was around eight forty five. There were thousands of people. Many of them where teenagers, and thousands other where an array of ages. Many of them we knew, and many more of them we did not. There were about ten high schools from Philadelphia there with their school banners held high. There was nothing but clean air dancing all around us. It could have been nine, or even nine thirty when the walk began. But before everyone started walking, a few people got on a platform, and spoke a few inspirational words to us all. It was mostly “blah, blah, blah.”
So when the walk did begin, my two best friends and I walked, and walked, and walked, and walked. We all thought that the walk was two miles. But, when it was eleven thirty, we figured that we thought wrong. In fact, the walk was ten miles long. It was all the way around Kelly Drive.
It was a perfect day for walking. The air was a cool breeze, and the sun was a warm glow. There was music all around us, merchants auctioning off their refreshments, and water at every bend. The river, or lake, was beautiful and glistening the whole way through. Every time we thought we made it to the finish line, we were wrong. It took us so long to complete the path. We hadn’t finished until one in the afternoon. We had NEVER walked that far in our life times. I almost never walk any where unless I absolutely have to, Margery barely ever leaves her house to walk any where, and Denaya doesn’t even walk to the bus stop at the corner of her block. This walk was a rude awakening for the three of us.
Since we had so much time in this walk, it gave us a lot of time to just talk with no interruptions. We talked about many things, but the one topic that I remember the most was about our new schools, and more importantly, our new friends. You see, we had never not known each others friends. Ever since the fifth grade, it’s been just us three, and then collectively we had other friends. If you were friends with one, you quickly became friends all three of us. The issue was pressing, but we had to talk about it. We all wanted to know who were the people who would be semi-substituting us for four years to come. Eighth grade was hard enough with us not being in the same class, but now we were in totally different schools. This was a scary exploration for all of us. It was a clean slate. There was a chance to meet people who did not know you as part of D.A.M., but as Denaya, Alexis, or Margery. In our new schools alone, you wouldn’t be Denaya, Alexis, and Margery. After talking about this for maybe half an hour, we came to a adequate decision. We knew that being the best friends that we were, nothing or no one could come between us.
When we finally made it to the end, everyone was cheering us on, and telling us how great of a job we had done. But in my mind, I knew they wouldn’t be saying that if they were the ones who walked that path. We crawled our way over to a park across the street where we sat down. Even though the walk was HORRIBLE, sitting down hurt us as well. About fifteen minutes later, Mami came to pick us up. She laughed the whole way back to our second home as we complained.
When we got to Margery’s house, we all laid on the huge recliner chairs and watched King Kong. I thought it was longer, but Irene, Margery’s sister, said we were all asleep ten minutes in. We woke up around five o’clock, and we were invigorated. For hours on that Sunday evening, we laid back and thought about how we couldn’t have walked that far with anyone else. We are sisters.
Jessica said...
1. It does capture my attention because it talks about an adventure2. I think the narrative will be about these three girls doing something adventurous that requires a long walk3. This narrative is about how three girls had a magnificent time with one another the night before and during the Aids walk.4. How you were describing the "fun" you guys were having that night before the walk and the figurative language from during and after the walk5. Things I would like to know more about were about during the walk. What you guys did, what you guys talked about, stuff like that
“It’s so nice out here; I don’ t want to go inside tonight,” Denaya complained.
“Well, you know…"
“No!” Denaya and I yelled before Margery would get an idea of impossibilities.
Margery replied, “What? I was only gonna say that you guys should spend the night. It would only make sense. It’ s already nine somethin’, and the walk is around seven. And since my mom is taking us, it would only make sense.”
We knew it was risky business asking Mami and Papa if we could spend the night over, but we asked anyways. Especially since all three of us, knowing each other for a few years now, had never all spent the night together. Not even on birthdays! Around nine fifty, we decided we could wait no longer and that we had to ask if we wanted to stay. It took us a lot to muster up the courage, but it was well worth it.
“Yay!” we all exclaimed in the utmost excitement.
Now, there were only two obstacles that stood in our way. Denaya and I had to ask our parents. So, at the same time, Denaya called her dad and I called my mommy. Both of them said yes, but since it was so dark, Denaya and I set out on a journey. We had exactly thirty minutes given to us by our parents to walk from Margery’s house to Denaya’s house, to my house, and back to Margery’s house. So, at ten fifteen, the two of us embarked on our journey in a square.
By ten thirty five, Denaya and I were walking in Margery’s house with bags in hand. We walked up her steps giggling with the wooden floors creaking. These wooden floors completed the feel of a fall day in Dominican Republic- a place we all knew. Often, Margery’s house was a resting place for the three of us to relax while we sorted our minds. The huge recliner chairs, the mango green walls, the wine, and the smell of Buela Dana’s Dominican dishes could make anyone feel at peace. But tonight, we were there to party. We planned to enjoy ourselves, even if it was just for a little while. We had a big day ahead of us. The following day, we were going to participate in a grand event. We were going to participate in the “Aids Walk“. Not only did it count for institutional credit, but it gave us a whole day for us three, even though there would be thousands of other people. Besides all the fun, we had a job to do when there. We were walking for a cure. Although I didn't quite get how walking could cure aids, I had it in my mind that on that specific day scientist would miraculously find the cure.
As we opened Margery's room door, she greeted us with a devious smile. We all knew that we were going to get into some real fun that night. Right away we went to enjoy some rice, beans, and chicken. After we ate our dinner, we kissed Mami and Papa goodnight, and went back into Margery's room. When we closed the door, we turned on some loud music, and began to throw the stuffed animals and layers of sheets onto the floor.
Margery's bed was a trampoline and we were touching the sky. At least we were touching the ceiling, until her mom came in and yelled "¡Sea callado ahora! Dormimos.” We all flopped down on the bouncy bed. Our options of fun were limited, but we had a plan. We simply watched television for a little while. We watched television until we were assured Mami and Papa were asleep. While those hours were passing we watched the clock go from twelve to one and on to two. When it was two a.m. we started our mischief. Did I say mischief? I meant, we started our FUN FUN FUN!
Since the neighbors were always giving Margery’s family trouble by not picking up their trash, we decided to repay them with some trash of our own. We slid Margery’s window all the way up until we had enough room to hatch our plan. We had enough room for all three of us to throw the stones we had collected from the broken path down below. Then, there was one. Then, there was another. And then, there was SILENCE. We were stunned quiet when we hit an old woman’s back door, and she yelled back at us. Because we were scared she might tell, we decided to close the window, and put that plan to rest. Instead, we decided to break out the cell phones.
I had people to call and discuss issues with, so I laid at one end of the bed. Denaya and Margery laid under the covers at the other end. I was extremely bored so I called someone named Mike. He was a really cool person and I was never bored while talking to him. We talked so much that night. We talked until about five in the morning. Normally, boys would run out of things to talk about, and I would lie and say I had to do something, but not with him. He was such a comedian that he kept my friends and I laughing the whole night.
Although my friends and I were on the phone with Mike, that didn’t stop us from stirring up other mischief. Of course, we played on peoples phones. It’s always funny to play on phones, but it’s even better when it’s someone you know. So, we all searched through our cell phones until we came upon people who we knew would argue back over the phone, and give us a laugh. First up was Ina. Ina was a friend of Margery’s from a summer program called PFL, and she attended Central with Margery as well. We all knew a good friend named Chris Yoak, and apparently Ina and Chris were talking to one another. We didn’t like the fact that they never met each other, and yet they were declaring their undying love for one another. So, we decided to call Ina with a little message. We called her cell phone, disguised our voices, and pretended to be Chris’ girlfriend. In all reality, we knew Chris didn’t have a girlfriend, but we were bored, and it seemed to be the most fun thing to do. All that night we called Ina and told her to leave Chris alone for good. But she turned her phone off after five calls, so we went hunting for our next victim. And alas, we came upon a name. This person had attitude for days, and we knew he wouldn’t take people playing on his cell phone lightly. So, until about four in the morning, we called non stop. He threatened, he cursed, and he promised the worse. But, he did not know who it was. We found it amusing how tough he was when he didn’t even know who was playing on his phone. Had he would have known it was us, he probably wouldn’t have said some of the things he said. Still, is was humorous.
We had planned to get to bed early, wake up at six, and leave the house for the walk by seven. But, of course nothing went this way. Instead, we woke up at seven thirty, and we didn’t leave until eight fifteen.
When we got there, to the art museum it was around eight forty five. There were thousands of people. Many of them where teenagers, and thousands other where an array of ages. Many of them we knew, and many more of them we did not. There were about ten high schools from Philadelphia there with their school banners held high. There was nothing but clean air dancing all around us. It could have been nine, or even nine thirty when the walk began. But before everyone started walking, a few people got on a platform, and spoke a few inspirational words to us all. It was mostly “blah, blah, blah.”
So when the walk did begin, my two best friends and I walked, and walked, and walked, and walked. We all thought that the walk was two miles. But, when it was eleven thirty, we figured that we thought wrong. In fact, the walk was ten miles long. It was all the way around Kelly Drive.
It was a perfect day for walking. The air was a cool breeze, and the sun was a warm glow. There was music all around us, merchants auctioning off their refreshments, and water at every bend. The river, or lake, was beautiful and glistening the whole way through. Every time we thought we made it to the finish line, we were wrong. It took us so long to complete the path. We hadn’t finished until one in the afternoon. We had NEVER walked that far in our life times. I almost never walk any where unless I absolutely have to, Margery barely ever leaves her house to walk any where, and Denaya doesn’t even walk to the bus stop at the corner of her block. This walk was a rude awakening for the three of us.
Since we had so much time in this walk, it gave us a lot of time to just talk with no interruptions. We talked about many things, but the one topic that I remember the most was about our new schools, and more importantly, our new friends. You see, we had never not known each others friends. Ever since the fifth grade, it’s been just us three, and then collectively we had other friends. If you were friends with one, you quickly became friends all three of us. The issue was pressing, but we had to talk about it. We all wanted to know who were the people who would be semi-substituting us for four years to come. Eighth grade was hard enough with us not being in the same class, but now we were in totally different schools. This was a scary exploration for all of us. It was a clean slate. There was a chance to meet people who did not know you as part of D.A.M., but as Denaya, Alexis, or Margery. In our new schools alone, you wouldn’t be Denaya, Alexis, and Margery. After talking about this for maybe half an hour, we came to a adequate decision. We knew that being the best friends that we were, nothing or no one could come between us.
When we finally made it to the end, everyone was cheering us on, and telling us how great of a job we had done. But in my mind, I knew they wouldn’t be saying that if they were the ones who walked that path. We crawled our way over to a park across the street where we sat down. Even though the walk was HORRIBLE, sitting down hurt us as well. About fifteen minutes later, Mami came to pick us up. She laughed the whole way back to our second home as we complained.
When we got to Margery’s house, we all laid on the huge recliner chairs and watched King Kong. I thought it was longer, but Irene, Margery’s sister, said we were all asleep ten minutes in. We woke up around five o’clock, and we were invigorated. For hours on that Sunday evening, we laid back and thought about how we couldn’t have walked that far with anyone else. We are sisters.
Jessica said...
1. It does capture my attention because it talks about an adventure2. I think the narrative will be about these three girls doing something adventurous that requires a long walk3. This narrative is about how three girls had a magnificent time with one another the night before and during the Aids walk.4. How you were describing the "fun" you guys were having that night before the walk and the figurative language from during and after the walk5. Things I would like to know more about were about during the walk. What you guys did, what you guys talked about, stuff like that
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The One ( Final Draft)
It Was Mid March 2006 , My Sister had got married ,She Was So Happy she had on a white skirt and shirt , she didn't have a big wedding just a small one with like 7 or 8 people , she had 2 kids , 2 boys one name kenny and the other was keishawn. At the wedding it looked like my sister was scared and shy . It was the best day of her life i suppose . It was at the wedding reception when a Car rode up on the block and out came Him . He Had On Tight Cut Jeans and a shirt that was gray with red stripes and some gray chucks . He had a devious kinda look like he was up to something . his hair was dark black with waves . His eyes was a dark brown color . I Was Just Staring at him as if someone was robbing a bank. I Had On a white church like shirt with a black medium cut skirt and some black high heels shoes that hurt my feet . I Had a silver bracelet and my hair was long and black but i had it tied up with a clip . I was playing the x box 360 with my nephews till , he came in . He came in and sat down on the couch my sister introduce us she had a smile on her face as if she was planning on doing something that was a surprise or sneaky . After that i Ran Up stairs to change , i had put on some Jeans with Designs on It in black and Peach and a Peach Shirt With Some Black and White Adidas .My hair i let out to hang with a white band . my eyebrows was arched and i hand on shiny lip gloss it shined more then the sun . i had a peach kinda ring and perfume that smelled like peaches and cream. i ran back down stairs , and he looked at me as if i was a new action movie .
i Smiled and He Did the same
my sister said " Hey Shardae Why Don't you talk to him ".
but i was too scared.
the party was almost over and he was about leave .
My sister and i walked him to the car to say bye .
I Said Bye and i was sad because i didn't get to talk to him .
The next week my sister was heading for work .
when she got there his mother was there ( they work together )
My sister told his mom i liked him so my sister called me and told me she told his mom . i was shocked and nervous , My Phone Rung it was HIM ! he got my number from my sister . Without me knowing How Rude ! : ) I Was Mad But Actually happy at the same time , my heart was racing and pounding very hard , it felt like someone was giving me the Heimlich.
Well we Began To Talk and Get To Know Each other He Was so funny , We talked for hours about life and friends and each other , His Personality was so great He has a sense of humor and a serious side .
On April 1st That's When I Felt A Breeze in the air , me and him was and us ! yup a couple ! He Was the nicest and intelligent person i ever met , He made me laugh and show a new side of myself he brought out SHARDAE the real me , i wasn't shy anymore and i had all the confidence in the world and no one could stop me .
I Was Glad To be with him it change me a lot i broke out my shell .
and even though were not together now this day i still Remember that feeling of confidence and beauty i wish i still had it.
It Was One of the most biggest changes in my life .
He still my friend but were not that close .
I'll Never Forget How i felt when i was with MARCUS .
rissa comments
Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
the opening does interest me beacuse I'll like to know what the boy and your sister's personility during the wedding.
What do you think the narrative will be about?
I think the narative will be a bout her sister and her sister's new husband.
Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.
This narrative makes u think its about one thing when it is really about another.
Finish this statement: Things I liked best were…
the things I liked best about was the way u discribed wat Marcus wore and wat he look like.
Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were…
The one thing I will lie to know more about is how u acted when u found out that ur sister gave marcus ur number without ur consent.
i Smiled and He Did the same
my sister said " Hey Shardae Why Don't you talk to him ".
but i was too scared.
the party was almost over and he was about leave .
My sister and i walked him to the car to say bye .
I Said Bye and i was sad because i didn't get to talk to him .
The next week my sister was heading for work .
when she got there his mother was there ( they work together )
My sister told his mom i liked him so my sister called me and told me she told his mom . i was shocked and nervous , My Phone Rung it was HIM ! he got my number from my sister . Without me knowing How Rude ! : ) I Was Mad But Actually happy at the same time , my heart was racing and pounding very hard , it felt like someone was giving me the Heimlich.
Well we Began To Talk and Get To Know Each other He Was so funny , We talked for hours about life and friends and each other , His Personality was so great He has a sense of humor and a serious side .
On April 1st That's When I Felt A Breeze in the air , me and him was and us ! yup a couple ! He Was the nicest and intelligent person i ever met , He made me laugh and show a new side of myself he brought out SHARDAE the real me , i wasn't shy anymore and i had all the confidence in the world and no one could stop me .
I Was Glad To be with him it change me a lot i broke out my shell .
and even though were not together now this day i still Remember that feeling of confidence and beauty i wish i still had it.
It Was One of the most biggest changes in my life .
He still my friend but were not that close .
I'll Never Forget How i felt when i was with MARCUS .
rissa comments
Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
the opening does interest me beacuse I'll like to know what the boy and your sister's personility during the wedding.
What do you think the narrative will be about?
I think the narative will be a bout her sister and her sister's new husband.
Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.
This narrative makes u think its about one thing when it is really about another.
Finish this statement: Things I liked best were…
the things I liked best about was the way u discribed wat Marcus wore and wat he look like.
Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were…
The one thing I will lie to know more about is how u acted when u found out that ur sister gave marcus ur number without ur consent.
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