Donte Polite
2/8/2008
Leo Mullen
6th P.D.
It was May 30, 1998 I was turning five years old. There was the smell of the food all through the air and the house. The smells ranged from fried chicken to seasoned fried shrimp. I was listening to rev run and the song that was playing was “Mind on the Road”, and at one point I thought this was heaven because everything was going great and everyone was just so happy. Later we all went into the backyard to break the piñata. From what I saw my mother buy at the store I thought that there were snickers, skittles, starburst, and many other delicious candies in the piñata. I was first since it was my birthday and my party. As I swung at the piñata the only thing I could hear was smack……smack…….smack. The piñata was so colorful and I just couldn’t wait to break it open so I could those other delicious colored flavored treats out. Sadly I didn’t get to break open my piñata. This meant that I had to sit and watch everyone else take whacks at my piñata, the one I was suppose to crack open. Of course every kid wants to crack open their piñata on their birthday. So I made my self a promise and it was from this day forward I would be the one to break the piñata so I could always have this wonderful important feeling. After the piñata was broke open and the candy was gone we went back inside to cut the cake. So that how I am here now in this picture with my mom holding me and assisting me to cut my cake.
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2 comments:
hey dante. ur story was good but heres some advice:
1. use some transitions- dont skip parts like at the end
2. it could be a tiny bit longer
3. it's ambiguous at the end because you skip from the candy ur mom bought to the pinata to cutting cake
4. where is this picture u mention in the last sentence or two?
otherwise, its pretty good
=]
1. Does this opening interest you? Explain. If it does not, suggest a way to make it better.
the opening does not interest me. he needs to add more action. like ,"the pinata shatered!"
2. What do you think the narrative will be about?
i think it will be entertaining
3. Summarize the narrative in one or two sentences.
a kid recalls exciting events happening on his birthday.
4. Finish this statement: Things I liked best were… the description of the smells
5. Complete this statement: Things I would like to know more about were… the people who were there and what were they like
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